Labour Ministers spend £1bn on High-Vis jackets

With echoes of the scandal surrounding Covid PPE contracts, millions have been squandered trying to make Keir Starmer look like Bob the Builder. Rumour has it that the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has a luminous vest made by Christian Dior and wellies made by Ugg.

No minister is permitted to appear on camera without an obligatory hard hat and a confused look, when ever offered a hammer. Yet no one has pointed out that wearing High-Vis and a suit just looks like you cannot be trusted to eat soup without spilling it.

One Minister defended the decision. 'Some have said we cannot boost the economy with austerity, but certain industries are booming. Take the hi vis jacket manufacturing sector, they're raking it in.'

Photo by John Kakuk on Unsplash

Government contracts ‘not expensive enough’ to support political parties

Conservative Party insiders fear that the profit margin on Government contracts is insufficient to support a thriving political economy.

‘Everybody goes on about TPP and the £400 million contract they won’, a spokesman said. ‘Out of that measly £400 million they’ll have costs, expenses – I don’t know what their margin was but let’s say 10% for sake of argument. £15 million tribute out of a puny £40 million – we’re supposed to be the low taxation party, goddammit.'

The Conservative Party has always been expensive to run, partly because it needs an unimaginable pile of gold to pay for the kind of marketing effort which might make shape-shifting predators appear cuddly, and partly because of Michael Gove’s nose.

‘It’s easy for Labour, they’re not trying to make sex pests and common criminals look electable’, the spokesman said. ‘Thank God they don’t have a plan. Ours is written in a special book in a safe at Tufton Street. Oh shit, I’m not supposed to . . .’

BMA demands cold weather PPE for striking doctors while government refuses talks

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