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Boris Johnson has told Cabinet colleagues that he wants a return to headlines about unimportant people dying abandoned and alone in their homes and bodies piling high in the wider community rather than more damaging headlines like Parytgate and wallpaper. The PM hopes ending Covid restrictions early will see a dramatic increase in hospitalisations, acute illness and record numbers of people dying from the virus and distract people away from more serious matters like his dwindling support within the Tory party.


Sources close to government say Mr Johnson has become increasingly concerned about his plummeting popularity in recent weeks and is seeking ways to change the negative narrative surrounding his failure to obey his own lockdown rules. ‘The PM would like to see a return to those heady days when all the small talk was about spiralling death rates across the UK, fraudulent PPE claims and a crippled NHS facing collapse…..he would die for upbeat headlines like that right now rather than these constant personal attacks about his behaviour during lockdown and his suitability for high office.


The headlines about people dying of Covid related illness were everywhere at one time and did take up a bit of his time….but he actually takes these headlines about his popularity seriously and wants them sorted. We think ending Covid restrictions earlier than expected will have the desired effect. It stands to reason that if your nan is fighting for her life after being admitted to hospital following a new wave of Covid you are more likely to be concerned about that than how much wine Boris chugged at on of his work events or whether he and Carrie prefer dancing to Abba or the Bee Gees.


'Ending restrictions early and seeing news footage of people on respirators dying in hospitals will help Boris bury those negative headlines once and for all’.



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A somewhat portly Westminster resident with a shock of unkempt blond hair has strongly denied being Boris Johnson today.


Speaking to reporters at the gates of Downing Street the man said: 'I am not Boris Johnson. No, no, no. Not a bit of it. Boris Johnson, moi? Erm... wait a minute, yes, that's it, Ha ha. Brilliant. I am in fact PPE salesman, Wayne Potter. I always have been and I am glad of this opportunity to clear the air at long last.


'Gosh, it feels good to get that out there. I think this Johnson fella is toxic. His behaviour is appalling. He lies at the drop of a hat, has no honour whatsoever, and as for his integrity? It's non-existent. He's an absolute chancer.


'I'm only sorry that I seem to be a bit of a doppelganger. The dead spit, if you will. Well, I am not he. Honestly, you'd scarcely believe the grief this mix-up has cost me in recent months. It's has been harrowing. "What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others," as my Ancient Greek tutor might have put it. Eh, what?


'Right then, OK, so got that everyone? I'm not Boris Johnson. Definitely not. I must dash now as I have to speak to some old doddery chap who lives in a big house in Washington about the impending war... I mean a PPE deal. Toodle-ooh.'



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Well, blimey, what a year!


For starters, we got Brexit done, as I promised. When I say Brexit was done, I done Brexit. Well, something I call Brexit got done. I didn’t really understand all the technical words in the agreement, but who reads this stuff? I certainly don’t, and anyway, I was knee-deep in awarding contracts for PPE and creating laws for everyone outside of government. Lord knows who would have taken those contracts if it wasn’t for friends and family, eh?


Matt was a real help, working late with his assistant. No idea what his wife thought, but that’s the problem with National crises – people have to stand up to the plate. Matt certainly did that and more. Unfortunately, the papers found out what the more was, but anyway…


We had the decorators in! I know you all expect me to be a dab hand at wallpapering, but I’ve been very busy handing out peerages to generous donors most of the year. Carrie, bless her, set her heart on some gold-coloured paper, and I popped off to B&Q to bag a few rolls. Unfortunately, it wasn’t gold-coloured; it was sheets of pure gold, judging by the price. How we laughed when a party donor paid for the paper and the work. Unfortunately, the papers found out about that and apparently, it’s illegal, but anyway…


We got caught handing out those peerages, which it appears isn’t kosher (but don’t tell anyone I use that phrase). It seems the papers found out, but anyway…


That nasty woman I put in charge of Parliamentary standards started to sniff around. Can’t stand her, and she thinks she knows what her job is. She might have been OK, but she tried to penalise a chum who did some paid work on the side, which in my book is kosher (don’t tell anyone I use that phrase), so I tried to see her off. Not literally, I just wanted to change the odd rule; you know the one, the one that says we have to act within the law. Anyway, my chum Owen decided to leave Parliament after a row even though I’d arranged to change the law to make his side hustles kosher (I probably shouldn’t use that phrase), so we had a bit of a by-election. No problems there – we had a furlough scheme or something back in the day. It seems voters forget stuff that happened back in the day. I can’t really blame them; I do that ALL the time.


Anyway, we were busy awarding contracts or something (you know I don’t like to waste my time reading stuff – I’ve kids to procreate), and the media just kept on going on about me working late running quizzes and stuff last Christmas. Anyway, when we looked up, we had one fewer MP. It’s not really a problem as it now looks like I’ve about 100 fewer MPs following a vote just before I wrote this letter. At least I can rely on those buddies I handed peerages to. Well, I must pop this in the post as I’ve just had an urgent message from Frostie. Probably an invite to Christmas drinks.


Toodles until next year


Bozzer and Carrie





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