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God complains about 'mixed messages' in World Cup prayers


Mr A. God has said that contradictory prayers from football supporters are making his life very difficult.


'I'm getting requests for victories from all sides - England, Germany, Senegal, the lot. And some very specific prayers for things like a final score of England 9, DR Congo 1, or for Kane to score in the ninetieth minute. I don't know what that's all about.


'I'm even being asked to help get Scotland back into the last 32. I mean I'm not a miracle worker. No, wait...'



Image credit: NewsBiscuit archive

Trump imposes tariffs on imported thoughts and prayers

United States president Donald Trump has addressed the latest school shooting by introducing 25% tariffs on all overseas sympathy. Trump believes that this will boost US manufacturers of thoughts and prayers which will be a huge comfort to the families and friends of the dead children.


The 44th US school shooting of the year so far prompted the new tariffs which Trump says will raise $2.4 billion in revenue over the next six months. This projection is based on numbers plucked out of the air but assumes an increase in mass shootings due to increased poverty, injustice and gun ownership, thanks to government policies.


The tariffs will only apply to thoughts and prayers being sent in connection with gun crime. Those being sent to anyone convicted of child sex trafficking will continue to be free of any tariffs. Not that anyone outside of the current US government ever sends any.



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