Footballer with car accident injuries has crash overturned by VAR

A VAR review of a crash involving a Premier League player has decided the player did not in fact crash at all. ‘It was an act of simulation,’ said officials at St George’s Park, who oversee reality and confirm what’s true or isn’t. ‘There will be no police investigation and any treatment the player received in hospital is void.’

The player was found in the crunched-up position in the driver’s seat of his Mercedes-Maybach S 680 4Matic First Class on the B1457 outside Cringley-on-the-willow-on-the-hill groaning like he’d been shot. CCTV footage of the incident was immediately whisked to St George’s, home of the world’s most unforgiving Video Assisted Refereeing technology. True to form, it disagreed with the evidence of the police, ambulance service, and numerous witnesses, and waved traffic on.

Asked to respond to the furore surrounding the controversial decision, officials released audio of the decision being made in real time:

VAR: Possible crash.

Assistant referee 2: Give it.

Assistant referee 1: Coming back for the skid, mate.

VAR: Just checking the crash. Delay, delay.

Referee: Yeah, no worries mate.

Replay operator: So, here we are. Just get a tight angle.

VAR: 2D line on the bumper.

Replay operator: Yeah, OK. So 2D line on the bumper.

VAR: And stop. Check complete, check complete. That’s fine, perfect. No crash.

‘That should clear everything up,’ said the official.

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Everton Seeks to Establish 'European Suboptimal League'

In a fresh challenge to Europe’s football status quo, Everton have announced they intend to form a breakaway entity called the ‘European Suboptimal League.’ The league will feature sides ‘that have over the years consistently possessed the will to renounce excellence,’ said a spokesman at a sparsely attended press conference. ‘Fans want to see action on the pitch that reflects their own lived experiences: thankless, unending drudgery, punctuated by occasional outbursts of spectacular failure.’

It remains unclear which other squads Everton will seek to recruit, though West Ham, San Marino, and sides currently or formerly managed by Wayne Rooney are thought to be among those in the frame. The Suboptimal League spokesman denied rumours that Manchester United would be allowed to join. ‘While they have expressed considerable interest, we don’t want teams who have purchased inadequacy, but rather those who have earned it through years of unstinting toil.’

The move has been a long time coming, according to Alfred Newman, Professor of Advanced Mediocrity Studies at the University of Liverpool. ‘For many years Everton have been looking for ways to monetize their indescribable nondescriptness,’ he said, ‘and it appears they may now have found the perfect solution.’ However, Newman warned that the league may not be sustainable over the long term. ‘It is likely that at least a handful of the teams in the league would actually win several matches, which would begin to dent their brands.’

 Newman said that ‘subtle rules changes could enhance the league’s staying power’ by ensuring a proliferation of draws. For example, ‘a ravenous mastiff could be released onto the pitch every time a squad gets the ball into the final third.’ Another approach would involve equipping keepers with ‘gloves that shoot enormous jets of flame.’ Newman suggested these ideas could be piloted in ‘a league of lesser significance, like the MLS.’

A Premier League representative expressed little concern over Everton’s move. ‘We can live without them,’ he said, apparently suppressing a yawn. ‘But if this new league does come into existence, maybe it could take David Coote off our hands.’

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Man City Settle Premier League Case for £100

In a shocking yet entirely expected development, Manchester City football club have settled all 115 of its alleged breaches of Premier League financial regulations for a £100 payment to the league and a promise to establish a community service initiative. At a hastily arranged press conference, a balaclava-clad spokesperson for the Premier League mumbled incoherently for approximately twelve seconds before fleeing.

A Man City representative then took the podium to express quiet satisfaction at the outcome of the case. ‘City Football Club are relieved that the recent unpleasantness is now concluded and that all fans can unite around Abu Dh... er … City in the side’s pursuit of further glory.’ City’s X feed was less circumspect, with a statement posted there repeating the phrase 'WE WON!!' 115 times.

The community service initiative will, according to a Club statement, involve the establishment of a program to help little old ladies cross busy streets in Premier League cities. City have promised to use the initiative to help ‘at least five’ elderly women. Ladies wishing assistance will need to complete a detailed online application form and submit a £200 non-refundable registration fee.

Reaction to the initiative among Premier League fans was mixed. When asked whether she planned to take advantage of it, Emma, 85, responded with a lengthy and colourful string of unprintable invective. Agnes, 79, took a more nuanced view. ‘I don’t need help crossing the street,’ she said, ‘but if someone wants to shove a United fan into traffic, I wouldn’t lose too much sleep.’

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