Engineers remove massive 'partyberg' from Downing Street sewer

Water company engineers have successfully unblocked the drains in Downing Street today. After reports of problems, the water company expected to find the sewer blocked with a fatberg but Instead, they found that the blockage was caused by what they have described as the biggest ‘partyberg’ they have ever come across.

A spokesman said that a large blockage had been removed from the sewers near Downing Street. The blockage consisted of a large quantity of used paper plates, cake wrappers, streamers, bunting, crisp packets, discarded underwear, dog hair, maltesers (probably), shepherds pie, plastic novelty policemen’s helmets, House of Commons order papers and direct debit forms for Tory party donations. The toxic mix caused sewers to back up in Downing Street, where the stink appears to have gone unnoticed.

Residents and businesses in the area have received leaflets about what can and cannot be disposed of safely by flushing it away. A spokesman for Number 10 refused to comment on the reports and said that the water company was speaking out of its bottom.

Image: Pixabay/ktphotography

Imposter PM phoned by Ukrainian

An investigation has been launched into how someone like Boris Johnson could get anywhere near being prime-minister after a Ukrainian was put through to Mr Johnson after calling 10 Downing Street and asking to speak to the PM.

"I have to admit I just panicked", explained the number 10 telephone operator in question, "The gentleman called and asked to speak to the prime-minister. I'd been given instructions not to let anyone speak to Mr Johnson unless they were offering a photo opportunity in a hospital or a lot of money, but somehow I forgot that and now the Ukraine government know the truth."

Government runs out of bad news to bury - or has it?

Covid brought the perfect cover for hiding bad news - at least until the cabinet office forgot to invite prominent journalists to BYOB parties during lockdown - or actually did invite them but forgot to add that the invitation to bring your own booze was an in-joke - of course the taxpayer would provide. Now, when partygate, Brexit screw ups and downright corruption were starting to touch the public consciousness the government has had the cover provided by Putin's invasion of Ukraine. at least one person of Prime Minister status will have mouthed, if not emailed, Vladimire Putin a big thank-you for that, it has been suggested.

However, when surveying the bunched up carpets with the bodies piled under and the crisis that seemed to pop up daily now well and truly obscured by the fog of war the Cabinet office is struggling to find new bodies to sweep under and almost certainly illegal events to be lied about. Unless you include a visit to kneel in front of a despot who relishes hanging and beheading dozens of people a day on charges that may or may not stand up to scrutiny in a real court to cover for not doing more to avoid having to pay Putin to fund his adventures in Ukraine while paying Ukrainians in weapons to stop the man you're paying for oil. By not doing more, read anything, actually.