Schrodinger's Queen is both dead and alive

Rumours persist that the death of the Monarch is being concealed - at least until the next slow news day. These whispers have been exasperated by sightings of Prince Charles, laughing maniacally in a new frock.

The press has noted panic buying of black armbands and corgi shaped floral bouquets. The Prime Minister, himself, is said to have already block-booked all available slots of 'two minutes of silence.'

A palace spokeswoman confirmed: 'The Queen was seen alive and well at a local Pizza Express.'

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The new Metropolitan Police caution

You have the right to write nothing, but anything you do write may be put through a spell check, Grammarly and used in evidence against you. Anything you do not write, but attempt to use in your defence or in a newspaper article in the future may be used against you. Any misuse of apostrophes may result in prosecution. Do you understand the caution? No, us neither.

Please answer the following questions accurately. By accurately, we mean as we expect them to be answered.

Did you attend any parties/work gatherings in breach of covid regulations? (Y/N)

Did the Prime Minister attend any of the parties/work gatherings you did or did not attend? (Y/N)

Is your Civil Service/Cabinet potential/tenure as head of Metropolitan Police dependant on the Prime Minister? (Y/N/depends on the conversation next time I meet the lying bastard)

Do you have any photographs to back up your answers?

If yes, the Chief Whip/head of the Civil Service/Black Ops personnel will discuss alternative career options/burial plots

If no, please reply to this email.

Signed C Dick (ex Desk Sergeant)

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New government chief of communications positive spin machine installed wrong way up

Bojo the not clown sure can pick 'em.

Newly appointed head of communications at Number 10, Guto Harri, has had an epic first day on the job. Not quite up to GB News standards of continued employment, makes Harri the undisputed first choice for saying things right at the highest seat of power.

Grabbing prime real estate headline space across medialand for all of the wrong reasons, immediately solidifies him as exactly the sort of chap Boris Johnson needs to ensure the Great nation of Britain continues to be utterly embarrassed in the cringeworthy manner to which it has become accustomed.

Such instant classics to gain the seal of approval from the Downing Street Collective Lobotomy Trust include:

'The Prime Minister isn't a complete clown. He didn't party every night. And he definitely didn't break all of his own lockdown rules. Indeed, not every party he illegally attended is being investigated by the Met.

'During the period of the pandemic, Boris Johnson didn't put absolutely everyone in harm's way. Repeatedly. Quite a few people in care homes actually survived.

'Despite what some are saying, Boris hasn't mislead the House of Commons on every single occasion. He only illegally prorogued Parliament a bit. And he almost actually got some of Brexit done.

'He is not the sort of person to create the perfect conditions allowing his closest chums, donors and enemies of the state to cream billions out of the taxpayer purse. And anyone who points out that serious fraud has been rampant on his watch, very much needs to take a good look at a thesaurus of synonyms for rampant.'

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