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Nation breathes a collective sigh of relief as Colour Trooped without a hitch


A tense nation held its breath today as it waited to see whether the Colour would be successfully Trooped. But in the event it could have saved itself the worry and angst as the ceremony went ahead almost without a hitch.


Lord Chief Colonel Major General Lieutenant Brigadier Captain Colour Sergeant, Sir Rafe Tatty-Pubes, looking resplendent in his three yards of gold braid and four hundred service medals commented.


"It was a textbook trooping and carried out with aplomb and full ceremony. No one in the Royal Family put so much as a foot wrong. Not even Prince Andrew who very thoughtfully had the decency to contract Covid to help things along and remove any awkward embarrassment over a Buckingham Palace balcony appearance.


'People pour scorn on our rich tradition of pointlessly preposterous pageantry, but I say it's times like this that our Royals earn their corn. Faultless and perfect. Oh, excuse me, I've just soiled my underpants by discharging some seminal fluid.'


Meanwhile, Barry Shite, a costermonger from Billericay who's been camping out on The Mall since January 4th to ensure he got a good view said, 'I ain't got a facking pot to facking piss in. But I facking love our fantastic Queen, right? And my year ain't worth a fackin brass tack until I know that colour has been trooped. Sets the second half of the year up proper perfect, it does.'



First published 3 June 2022



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NewsBiscuit - Best of June 2024


June 2024


In June 2024, the General Election campaign in the UK was all-consuming and there was no escape. The Tories continued to announce new policies that they could have enacted in office, but hadn’t bothered to. Labour continued to say as little as possible. Migrants arriving in small boats continued to be a big political issue. The government did successfully get rid of one unwanted migrant, however, as the infamous freeloader Julian Assange finally returned to Australia.


The stories we posted in June 2024 seemed to presage the election result. There was a lot of poking fun at the Conservatives, with a side order of incredulity about Reform, and a degree of tolerance for Ed Davey’s cunning stunts.


With hindsight, it seems impossible that the Conservatives could have survived such a satirical onslaught. And so it proved to be. We’re taking all the credit.


Almost all other news was squeezed out. But there is always room for a royal story, and Princess Anne provided some light relief by getting kicked in the head by a horse. We assume it was a horse. She can’t remember. It can’t have been Andrew, because he was getting a pizza. And Sir Ian McKellen engaged in some ill-advised crowd-surfing after falling off the stage at the RSC.


Here is a selection of the top stories from June 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


General Election Stories


The Not-The-Election Stories


Selected headlines from June 2024

Bingo callers introduce "Gamblers' Den" for number 10

Baby delivered in car came with free coke and garlic bread

Tories walking slowly investigated by Ambling Commission

Chip van commemorates D-Day with a frypast

Ed Davey completes tour of all Britain's theme parks

Julian Assange disappointed at missing out on Rwanda

Rishi: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion

Tory manifesto launched on the side of a driverless bus

Ventilation expert disappointed by Onlyfans website  

Princess Anne in a stable condition

MP having buttock reduction surgery afraid he might lose his seat

Fire brigade called to massive blaze in Rishi Sunak's pants drawer

Sir Ian McKellen to star in stage adaptation of 'The Fall Guy'

Man who had a large mole removed from nose says 'the worst thing was those front claws'



Image credit: deep dream generator


Royal critic commits suicide by shooting himself in back twelve times


It has been reported that Virgil Griffin, a noted critic of the UK monarchy and who was believed to have damaging information on a senior Royal, has suddenly but possibly not unexpectedly committed suicide by shooting himself in the back a dozen times.


Griffin made headlines a few weeks ago when he announced he had information on an unnamed senior member of the Royal family which he claimed would 'shock the foundation of this country to the core'. The Royals denied that Griffin, who they called 'delusional and may likely do harm to himself some day', could possibly have any kind of dirt on them. Even though, they refused to sue him out of principal before offering to give him several million pounds purely as a 'token courtesy gesture'.


A police spokesman has stated that 'following an extensive two-hour investigation we can conclude that Mr Griffin absolutely and definitely killed himself by taking out a handgun and shooting himself in the back twelve times. We did consider the possibility of misadventure as Griffin was extremely accident prone, as just before killing himself Griffin broke his own leg, gave himself two black eyes, knocked out several of his teeth and he'd also somehow stamped on his own fingers. Anyway, this is clearly an open-and-shut case so we need to just move on.'


The police have also urged people to ignore recent social media posts by Mr Griffin in which he claimed:


'They're out to get me!'

'I think I'm being followed'

'If something happens to me, check the hard drive of my computer'

'I have absolutely no intention of committing suicide, that's something I can guarantee'


'Clearly the ramblings of a severely paranoid man, best we brush these aside' claimed the police spokesman when asked about this, before quickly adding that Mr Griffin had also accidentally smashed up and burnt his computer as well.


When contacted a Royal aide said they were extremely sorry to hear about Griffin's suicide, while insisting the sounds of a celebration in the background were from next door, honestly.


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