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Assisted suicide ‘much cheaper’ if you know Jeffrey Epstein




Dignitas are offering a special discount to any member of the Illuminati who would like to avoid questioning by Interpol. Said a spokeswoman: ‘Normally we would only assist the terminally ill, but we are broadening our offer to include anyone who has met Peter Mandelson’.




Assisted Suicide covers a range of services; including a soundproof police cell, no CCTV and a surprisingly large number of nooses left lying around. Said one Assassin: ‘Basically its seven degrees of Jeffrey Epstein. If we think you might spill the beans, we’ll be visiting you with a nice cup of Horlicks and a spoonful of Ricin’.




Dignitas confirmed: ‘The great thing about the scheme, is you don’t have to volunteer for it, Bill Clinton will do that for you. Some kindly benefactor has already paid for Giselle Maxwell and Prince Andrew’s butler’




First published 1 Mar 2022


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Those Andrew charges in full

Police have arrested Andrew Mounting-Concern, who is not being named.  Police have said that the man they are holding is of Anglo-German heritage.  He is being held in custody on suspicion of the following:


- misconduct in a public office

- misconduct in a private office

- gross misconduct in the bedroom (144 offences)

- misconduct in a royal Land Rover

- misconduct in Jeffrey Epstein's office

- misconduct in a Pizza Express

- misconduct in foreign countries

- misuse of public funds

- aggravated begging

- conduct unbecoming

- watching Babestation without a valid TV licence

- animal cruelty regarding the Queen's corgis


Needless to say, it is the last offence which is being treated the most seriously.



No one brave enough to admit they’ll miss Pornhub


Despite 12 million UK users, the infamous website was unable to find a single person who could recall using it. Explained a doctor. 'Amnesia can be caused by repeatedly beating the meat. Unrestricted bludgeoning of the beefsteak will create holes in your memory but, sadly, not in your internet search history.'


Too afraid to raise a hand in protest, particularly as their palms are hairy, the British public will have to focus on cold showers. Said one user, who wished to remain anonymous, but we’ll call Meter Pandleson: 'I’ve a friend who had to resort to this service, since their favourite island shut down. Losing Pornhub will be another blow, and it’s bad enough that they can no longer call themselves the Duke of York.'


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