The UK is experiencing another heatwave, which will unfortunately cause increased levels of sweating. Here are some of the embarrassing sweat stains you will have to deal with in the next few days:
Armpit Circles - Despite applying half a can of deodorant, within 5 minutes of putting on a clean shirt dark circles will start to appear under your arms. Avoid embarrassment by keeping your arms rigidly by your sides all day, in the style of Michael Flatley when he’s about to launch into a bout of Riverdancing.
Boob Crescents – Whether you have breasts or man boobs, soaring temperatures will cause crescent shaped sweat stains to appear under them. You could fold your arms under your chest to hide the Boob Crescents, although that might risk exposing your Armpit Circles.
Arse Pool – Sweat running down your back will be channeled into the crevice between your bum cheeks, creating a pool of sweat in your pants. Avoid sitting down, otherwise when you get up you’ll leave a tell-tale sweaty arse print on the seat.
Groin V – Sweat will gather in the creases at the tops of your legs, soaking through your trousers to form a dark V-shape around your groin area. Carry a large bag and hold it in front of your groin to hide this embarrassing sweat stain, otherwise people will think you’ve p*ssed yourself again.
Try not to worry about looking sweaty in the hot weather, as everyone else will perspiring just as much as you. Apart from Prince Andrew, of course…
First published 12 Aug 2022
If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?
 |  |  |  |
It was revealed today that members of the American government have been running a deadpool about when Ghislaine Maxwell will commit suicide.
“I mean, why wouldn’t she?” said Tommy Douche of the State Department. ”Someone used to such a luxurious, glamorous lifestyle facing decades on Riker’s Island, and being a total pariah if she ever gets out? It’s a no-brainer.”
“My money was on the first three weeks,” said Dave Grunt of Homeland Security. “I don’t know why they… I mean, she’s taking so long.”
Asked what he meant by that slip, Grunt paused before eventually saying “Well, you know how with a black hole there’s a line called the event horizon, and if you go beyond that you don’t have a chance? That’s basically where she is now.”
It’s thought the pool is open to all branches of the government, except of course the FBI since they’ll be the ones arranging the suicide.
“God knows why, though,” complained Grunt, “after the mess they made of Epstein. Ligature marks at the wrong angle? Three minutes missing from the security camera footage? It’s amateur hour. You’d think they’ve never done this before.”
image from pixabay