No one brave enough to admit they’ll miss Pornhub

Despite 12 million UK users, the infamous website was unable to find a single person who could recall using it. Explained a doctor. 'Amnesia can be caused by repeatedly beating the meat. Unrestricted bludgeoning of the beefsteak will create holes in your memory but, sadly, not in your internet search history.'

Too afraid to raise a hand in protest, particularly as their palms are hairy, the British public will have to focus on cold showers. Said one user, who wished to remain anonymous, but we’ll call Meter Pandleson: 'I’ve a friend who had to resort to this service, since their favourite island shut down. Losing Pornhub will be another blow, and it’s bad enough that they can no longer call themselves the Duke of York.'

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