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British Royal speaks out against senseless killing, VAR intervenes

Prince William took the unusual step of speaking out against mass murder in a former British colony, rather than conducting it - his family's more usual habit. To really show he was really serious, Wills then deployed both his chin and a pouty face.


Historian Shelley Stevenson spat out her tea at the news. 'Sorry, did he say against violence? Against? That can't be right. VAR can draw some lines if there’s a clear and obvious error, just like the British Empire liked to draw lines and then let other people deal with the consequences. India and Pakistan, the Palestinian Protectorate itself. How well did that go in the end?'


‘I’ve never pegged Prince William. As a serious political figure that is. Why are you laughing?’


When told why, Stevenson spat out her tea again.




Prince William’s birthday marked by smiling toilet photo


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An image of Prince William sitting on a toilet has been released to mark his forty first birthday on Sunday. Delighted readers of the Express and Mail were treated to close-up shots of the cheeky prince as he ‘sits on the throne’ at Kensington Palace. In a fresh departure from tradition, the photos were taken by a hidden camera rather than the Duchess of Cambridge.


The smiling prince is shown with his trousers around his ankles and a roll of quilted Fortnum & Mason toilet roll in his hand. Sales of the toilet roll have sky-rocketed since the picture was published.


Last year the royal birthday was marked by a photo of William sitting in a greenhouse, absently picking his nose while watching an episode of Pointless on his iPhone. Viewing figures for Pointless have sky-rocketed and garden centres report a shortage of greenhouses.


As Prince Andrew prepares to celebrate his 64th birthday, people are urged to buy spank-paddles and peanut butter in good time.



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