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Hardcore splinter group "Just Stop Growth" has threatened the Conservative Government over its pro-growth strategy.


The group, an extremist offshoot of the Anti Growth Coalition that was pilloried by the Prime Minister during her speech has a shadowy membership. Made up of a few raving lefties - it includes the likes of Corbyn, Ed Milliband and Theresa May - they are now attracting a whole new breed of protestor with rumours that Rishi, Michael Gove and even Priti Patel are on board.


'We're going in direct, physical and determined,' commented an anonymous member, meeting our reporter at a clandestine pheasant-shooting weekender in Surrey. 'You're talking continual banging of desks - potentially hours - at the 1922 committee. Abstaining from the subsidized commons bars. There's going to be a really clear message, we just aren't sure what it is yet.'


Asked about the potential collaboration with the even more extreme "Shrink Britain" affiliate, who model themselves on the equally pointless Insulate Britain but with a focus on either the economy or shrink-wrap, (they haven't decided yet), the response was luke warm. 'We're going to have a debate on it, then a couple of votes. Something might come out of it, but I think we need to travel around a bit - perhaps the Bahamas - to really feel and understand this whole shrinkflation idea.'


One thing was clear though - whatever the action plan, if it meant sitting on the M25 in the cold with only sandwiches and a flask of coffee, this was outside their remit - 'While we are in on the principle, you have to draw the line somewhere. We'll leave that side of it to the poor people, said the spokesman, before getting a refill of the Chateau la fete 1945.


Story: RichT



photo: https://pixabay.com/users/niekverlaan-80788/



Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has announced an order of 10,000 finger breaking robots to be stationed on the Sussex coast to discourage immigrants.


"We've all enjoyed watching videos of children being hurt, but when I saw the chess robot breaking a child's finger a light came on in my mind and after I'd finished laughing, I jumped into action."


The robots are being deployed in what is known as Project Rwanda at a cost of £1,000,000,000 each.


image from pixabay



A spokesperson for the Home Secretary has confirmed that Olympic Gold medallist Sir Mo Farah is to be deported to Rwanda. 'The Home Secretary is very clear on this - Sir Mo has admitted to entering the UK illegally, has lied about his citizenship and has deprived other UK runners of gold medals. In her opinion he needs to be on the next flight to Rwanda, and sharpish. In the meantime he will be tagged and his trainers will be confiscated, in case he does a runner - boy that man can be quick,' he said.


The Home Secretary is said to be mindful that her days to be mean are likely limited and sees this as the crowning accolade to her career. The spokesperson added, 'of course the gold medals will be awarded to a suitable British sportsman to ensure the UK keeps it's medal tally for the 2012 Olympics. The Home Secretary is said to be leaning to award them to outgoing Prime Minister Boris Johnson who, unlike Sir Mo Farah, has been consistently truthful all through his career. Sorry, consistently untruthful. But at any rate, consistent.'


image from pixabay





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