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West Bessen Council has taken the unusual step of transferring all of its roads and potholes to a community trust. The trust will be responsible for the upkeep of the roads, setting speed limits and managing parking restrictions.


A council spokesman said, 'This deal is good for the council and the community. We transferred our libraries to a community trust years ago, and they are all thriving. We replaced all those expensive librarians with lots of lovely, low-cost volunteers. And the community has done a great job looking after the library buildings. They are always ready with the plastic sheeting when heavy rain is forecast.


'We transferred responsibility for our sports centres to a community trust too. Now you can play badminton and short mat bowls all night if you want to. The community has found a way to extend the opening hours so that people can exercise around the clock. I believe they do this by leaving the key under the mat. There have been some concerns about people exercising alone, but these days everyone has a mobile, so it's not really a problem any more.


'So we have high hopes for our new way of managing roads. The road maintenance bills were very high and we think that volunteer road menders will be able to keep costs to a minimum. The council is selling its Stop-Go boards to the trust, so they will be fully equipped.


'We will finally be able to pass all those complaints about potholes, road markings and debris to someone else. And the trust will have to adjudicate on all those ghastly local parking issues. I can't tell you how pleased we are to get shot of all that. Actually, I can tell you. I'm telling you now. We are very pleased to get shot of all that. And you can quote me.'


Image: Newsbiscuit Library


Health Secretary Wes Streeting has declared around £175,000 in donations from Private Healthcare suppliers who, co-incidentally, are in line for multi-million-pound contracts from the NHS.  A spokesman for Streeting confirmed the donations were 'normal, reasonable and probably used to buy stuff', adding, 'and there's no way any British politician would be influenced when awarding contracts by any donations'.  A straw poll of Labour cabinet ministers seemed to confirm this point of view, insisting that there was 'nothing to see here'.


Some politicians routinely accept donations, sometimes in the form of hospitality, sometimes in plain brown envelopes. 'Ornate envelopes aren't value for money,' suggested the spokesman, adding, 'and are probably more traceable.'


No envelopes, plain brown or ornate, appear to have been declared this Parliament, however as Labour are keen to point out it's only been a few weeks.  





'Mainly people just don't want water anymore, it's a luxury item now and they just don’t need it, like houses. It’s also youths, that Gen Millennial lot, they just spend all their money on avocado flavoured A.I. H20 now. Kids just download pirate water of the deep dark web.


'Most of our money goes on fines so it is actually also the regulators’ fault. It’s also meddling and bureaucratic red tape from Brussels and the police with “Safety” rules and “please reduce the amount of floating turds in drinking water”. Political correctness gone mad.


'Water is not easy to look after, do you think this stuff just falls from the sky? It's hard this water stuff, no hold on that's just ice. You've got to get two hydrogen atoms for every oxygen one, it’s a logistical nightmare.


'Luckily there is a bright side, my bonus targets were mostly met. Like attending at least 4 meetings a month and spelling Tems Wartur correctly. Maybe I didn’t get that one this year…


'What we need is a 40% increase in our bonuses....I mean in the customers’ bills, otherwise the rivers will just be full of sewage, that would be awful wouldn't it? We have tried putting loads of holes in the pipes to let the sewage out, but it appears that made things a lot worse. To be honest, I have no idea how all this works, I was in charge of Southern Rail before this, and I raked it in there.'


Photo by S. Laiba Ali on Unsplash

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