Privatisation | NewsBiscuit

Prescott to offer free tooth extractions

Guest Author
Aug 11

Former deputy Prime Minister John 'Two Jabs' Prescott has offered to help reduce dire NHS Dentist waiting lists using his highly effective, no-nonsense procedure of punching voters squarely in the mush.

The erstwhile Labour heavyweight's offer comes at a time when only one in 10 NHS dental practices in UK are taking new patients for treatment under the health service, although nine out of 10 do still recommend this publication's patented Newspaste Gum & Tonic for all your other health requirements.

'He's good for anything slightly wobbly and you won't feel a thing for five to ten minutes after he's belted you,' promised the Yorkshire Slugger's manager. 'If it's not quite so loose then you might have to egg him first, and if it's really stuck in there then we've got Eric Cantona on call, but that's better if you need a few out, to be honest'.

A spokeswoman for Opposition Leader Kier Starmer dismissed the offer as 'another slap in the face for Joe Public' whilst conceding, 'It's good to know at least some members of the Labour Party aren't afraid of a good strike, even if it's directly to the jaw of the tax payer.'

Story: Pliskin

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/tonic-pics-3001971/

First published 11 Aug 2022

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Calls for failing water regulators to be privatised

Titus
Jul 19

Pundits comment on the crisis at Thames Water

deskpilot
Jun 30

Yes, Thames Water is washed up and in deep water and, indeed, in deep doo-doo. All is not well. The company can’t tap investors for more money and all their funding has drained away. The company has liquidity problems and is likely to go down the drain and sink without trace. The current financial problems are weighing evian the Board, which is simply treading water. Past successes are water under the bridge and nothing can calm the waters. The well has run dry. Investors are likely to take a bath.

The company tested the waters on selling itself to an oil company, but oil and water don’t mix, despite the whole oil on troubled waters thing. The oil barons were unwilling to splash the cash and poured cold water on draining the swamp. The idea is now dead in the water.

The first rescue plan has been blown out of the water. The second rescue plan is ‘as weak as water’. The third rescue plan merely muddies the water. The fourth rescue plan is unimaginative – as dull as ditchwater. The fifth rescue plan fell between two stools. Actually, more than two. The sixth rescue plan threw the baby out with the bath water, and had to be watered down.

Politicians think the company is a right shower and have been quick to establish clear blue water between themselves and the crisis. Thames Water are intrigued at the idea that water could be both clear and blue, being more used to murky waters.