Trump considers privatising the Iran war

President  Donald Trump has denied that the US armed forces are running out of weapons and ammunition in their fight against Iran, despite having completely defeated and then utterly destroyed the state of Iran several times, repeatedly, in the last few months.  Even the US National Guard, he claimed, still has plenty of weapons, at least, enough for crucial tasks like ensuring law-and-order in confused, chaotic US states which might be in danger of failing to vote Republican.

'We just thought, with all their guns, the valiant citizens of the USA might like to join in, and help our troops' suggested the President.  'Iranistanshire isn't all that far away and is easy to get to.  To get there, you don't need to go through the Straits of Hormuz.  No-one wants to go through the Straits of Hormuz - horrible place.  No use to anyone.'

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An important message from your water company – stop using water!

Dear Valued Customer,

The country is currently experiencing a prolonged period of hot, dry weather. As you may have noticed, there is currently less water falling from the sky than usual, and water supplies are getting low. This has come as a complete surprise to us, despite operating a water company.

While some cynics have suggested that we might have prepared for this by investing over the last few decades in repairing our ageing network of leaking pipes, we believe it would be unfair to burden our shareholders with such unnecessary hardship.

Instead, we are asking you to make a few small sacrifices.

To help us through this difficult time, we are asking you to use less water. Please refrain from drinking water, watering your garden, washing your car, filling paddling pools (or allowing children to experience happiness in any liquid form), taking baths, enjoying showers that last long enough to question your life choices, or generally behaving as though water belongs to the people paying for it.

Every little helps. Every litre you save is a litre that can leak gently into the ground through our ancient Victorian pipework, preserving a tradition we hold dear. Likewise, reducing your water usage helps ensure we have sufficient capacity to continue our occasional programme of releasing untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters whenever our infrastructure becomes overwhelmed by such unexpected events as... rain.

Please remember, by taking a two-minute shower instead of a ten-minute one, you will be helping us preserve enough water to continue losing approximately a quarter of it before it reaches your home, and bring us one step closer to another reassuringly strong annual financial performance.

Some customers have asked why, after reporting billions in profits, we did not invest more heavily in modernising the network. Unfortunately, those funds had already been earmarked for important infrastructure projects, such as executive bonuses and shareholder dividends. However, we welcome your comments, and we have carefully filed them in the same place as our long-term infrastructure investment plans.

You may also have concerns about our occasional release of untreated sewage into rivers and coastal waters. We'd like to stress that these are not sewage spills - they are surprise biodiversity initiatives. Please don't think of them as pollution - think of them as bringing the countryside to the seaside.

Together, we can weather this crisis - provided you do all the work.

Finally, we'd like to thank you for paying some of the highest water bills in Europe. Without your continued support, we simply could not continue to operate exactly as we have been.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Yours faithfully,

Your Local Water Company

P.S. We are delighted to announce that, thanks to your continued restraint, we remain committed to delivering excellent value to those who matter most to us. No, not you.

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Thames Water could win Turner Prize

The nominations for the 2026 Turner Prize have just been announced, include a surprise entry from Thames Water.

While most of the nominations are from the usual list radical, up-and-coming, and angry young artists, the Thames Water entry is the first one by a company. Some artists are shocked (and angry), and believe that the corporate entry is a sell out that goes against the spirit of the prize.

Thames Water were not able to give any details about the entry. 'Someone else has submitted the artwork on our behalf, but without our approval or authorisation,' said a spokesman. 'We have barely enough cash to pay dividends. We have no cash for repairs. We certainly wouldn't waste good dividend money to pay an artist for an entry. We doubt that OfWat would be keen on that.'

Art lovers who are keen to see the Thames Water entry can view the work on the beach at Eastbourne. The installation, called Pile of Poo, can be seen at low tide throughout 2026, 2027 and 2028. The work is described as a dynamic, shape-shifting and pungent reflection on the nature of greed, mortality and decay.