Big Pharma's Next Big Killing

A spokesperson for BGP, Big Greedy Pharma, announced today the company's next megaproject, yet another way to amass even greater mountains of money. The latest target has been revealed as a vaccine against humanity and altruism.

Mr S. Forbrains was visibly excited as he said "It's easy for big pharmaceutical companies to get complacent with profits piling up faster than Covid corpses. Already we have created a world where it's considered normal for a CEO to sack thousands of workers by SMS to save a few quid while simultaneously giving himself a 300% rise on his already huge salary. But there are still people out there who believe in things like equity, justice, humanity and even altruism. So we've been targeting the genes which generate these weaknesses and are very optimistic about current trials. The Tory Holy Grail of 'hearts of stone' may be just round the bend. This could make King Herod and Priti Patel look like bleeding-heart, snowflake liberals."

Sounding a contrary note, a spokesperson for the Conservative Party warned, "They may have grossly overestimated the market. All our members and most of our voters already have natural immunity. And because we are Conservatives, we really don't care about the rest."

Stop moaning, you're still saving 0.1p per litre, say petrol companies

Global oil firms have urged consumers to focus on the massive 0.1p that they save on every single litre of petrol they buy at forecourts, rather than the eye wateringly high price of fuel at the pumps..

'For decades, knocking a fractional amount of a penny off the retail price of petrol has been part of our strategy to give something back to hard-pressed customers', said Dave Stetson, a spokesperson for the Petrol Companies Association 'Oil be There for You'. 'It's definitely not a marketing ploy to fool people into thinking the price is a penny less than it actually is. No, no-one would be taken in by that, surely?'.

'Prices at the pumps reflect all sorts of factors and they can go up and down...well ok, they don't actually ever go down, but you know what I mean', continued Stetson.

'With prices likely to hit £1.90 per litre next week, we would really ask petrol customers to consider that actually 189.7p per litre is actually a pretty damn good deal, rather than crying as the pump shows incredulously, it is costing £85 to fill up their small Nissan Micra', continued Stetson.

'Us Big Oil companies are also feeling the squeeze', noted Stetson. 'Just last week, my own company GuzzleOil reported annual profits of £7bn, oops sorry I mean £6.997 billion.'

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