Chain pubs to replace happy hour with gouging time

Works night out piss-up facilitators, the Glug and Cabbage pub chain, has announced that it will charge extra for drinks at happy hour and also for additional baggage beyond one carry-on item. Emotional baggage will remain free and is indeed encouraged as it contributes to both sales and fights.

Drinks will be available to pre-book up to 3 months in advance, with double vodka and lambrini in the week before Xmas now available for 99p - increasing to £30 on the night. These moves are part of the chain's expansion into new venues in abandoned agricultural buildings that are 'within 30 minutes by taxi, with luck' of the local high street.

'Why can't things just have one price any more?' lamented token person in the street Les Ismor. 'It's enough to drive you to drink.'

Image: SyntheticD Photos | FreeImages

Biden makes diplomatic gaffe in Dublin pub

President Biden attempted to order a Guiness cocktail in O'shaunessy's Irish pub yesterday and may have caused a diplomatic crisis, Newsbiscuit's Dublin reporter says. Hoping to be served a Black Russian, the President is said to have inadvertently asked for a "Black Commie Bastard".

The White House claims the barman probably misheard the President and blames the band for a playing a rousing rendition of The Patriot Game which had many of the pubgoers singing along to.

Having eventually been served his drink, the President thanked the pub for its hospitality and declined an invitation to stay until the fight started.

When a ‘bad pint’ strikes, remember: B.A.B.Y.

Acronyms help detect issues and enhance responsiveness; as in F.A.S.T. for stroke diagnosis. But what if your mate is about to throw up in the pub? Remember: B.A.B.Y.

B is for Back

Once you hear the, ‘Oooh, I feel a bit dodgy’ distress signal, check for signs of facial pastiness and spontaneous salivation. Your mate might have been lame and sneakily ordered a lager top, so It could just be fizzy pop wind. Patting his back as though a child needing burping will determine the outcome very quickly.

A is for Aim

If slapping the back didn’t generate a comical foghorn belch, then It’s definitely puke. Point your mate away from your pint and new trainers, and preferably towards something that won’t cost £200 to restore. If he’s still upright, he can run. Sprint towards the pub door, a corridor of empathy will magically open up allowing a swift exit.

B is for Bucket

Quickly find a receptacle with an interior volume greater than your mate’s thimble-sized stomach. A handbag is good, a hood is acceptable, a sink or grid is even better. At this point support statements, such as: ‘Better out than in’, ‘You’ve had a bad pint’, and ‘It’s not like you’ - even though it is, should be encouraged as an aid to self-esteem recovery. Well-wishers and bystanders having witnessed the gastro cascade may offer help, tell them thanks, but you’re fine.

Y is for Your round

Wasting good beer is a crime. As recompense the next round after emptying their ale sac, is always the thrower’s. Be mindful that your mate may be experiencing a fleeting false sense of insecurity, and may try to ‘back-door it’. A subtle reminder that it’s only 7:30pm and he doesn’t want social media to be involved, should reaffirm his commitment to the evening.

Next week:

If a fist is about to strike, remember: B.L.O.U.S.E.

Image: Pixabay/aiacPL