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There was puzzlement yesterday over the Russian leader’s bizarre motion during a press conference held, ostensibly, for non-health speculation purposes. Video of the extraordinary incident shows Putin, seated with the Belarusian foreign minister, at one point clearly lifting an arm halfway up his head before executing what appeared to be a flicking motion that deliberately, gently, and repeatedly grazed the helix portion of his ear.


His Belarussian colleague, a long term ally of the dictator, looked increasingly perplexed as the Russian’s index finger descended back toward the table, before finally coming to rest on the side of a saucer which was obscured by the tea cup from which the president had sipped just moments before.


“The scratching was blatant and seemed uncontrollable,” observed defence journalist Martin Frazeer. Slowed down footage of the scratching action tellingly reveals the vertical movement of Putin’s arm not to be a perfect parabola, indicating the strong likelihood of an irreversible degenerative condition and possible change in the geopolitical outlook. Frazeer added, “This is not wishful thinking at all, and incidents like these will only add fuel to the fire of calls for assistance to Ukraine to be ramped up because the stress of confronting the West is expediting the Russian president’s death.”


It is not the first time speculation has surrounded Vladimir Putin’s health. In January, he was seen shielding his eyes from the midday sun when coming to a skidding halt after vigorously skiing. Meanwhile, on a recent trip to Pyongyang, it took the Russian strongman three shuffles of his rear to finally find steady comfort when he took a seat, a disability doctors link to imminent collapse of the Russian state.


Author: nicka



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Sauron, the Dark Lord, announced his retirement today in a statement posted on his Instagram account. ‘With 170 of the 195 nations of the world ruled by total wankers, and humans spewing planet-searing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, I feel that my objectives here are mostly achieved,’ Sauron said. ‘And the ever-present threat of nuclear annihilation just adds to the fun,’ the statement continued.


Sauron noted that what he’ll miss most about the job is working ‘hand in claw’ with such ‘star pupils’ as Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. ‘Nothing is more gratifying than seeing excellent students master the subject matter so thoroughly,’ Sauron said. The Lidless Eye acknowledged that as a last official act he will help Trump by sending ‘a brace of Nazgul’ to kidnap Kamala Harris, adding, ‘It’s really the least I could do.’


 With the infinite time Sauron will now have available in retirement, he said he would probably ‘putter around the garden as anyone would, developing plant-based toxins usable in mass casualty events.’ He also plans on completing his much-anticipated memoirs. ‘They’ll be written in blood, of course,’ said Sauron’s literary agent in a phone interview. ‘It will all be very on-brand.’


Picture credit: Wix AI

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