Center parcs release final U turn instructions for residents

Further to our earlier instruction, where we stated inmates, sorry, residents were to remain in their accommodation for the duration of the funeral service on Monday, we have updated our rules.

First, Inmates are allowed to leave their cells, sorry, lodges for fresh air, toilet breaks and roll call.

Second, in the interest in customer security, ankle trackers will be issued to all prisoners, sorry, inmates, sorry see above. A fully refundable deposit will be required, your credit card has already been debited.

Third, anyone straying more than thirty metres from their cells will be shot. A fully refundable deposit will be taken out on bullets, one per resident. Any bullets not used will result in the deposit being refunded. If bullets are required, customers can, of course, keep them but the deposit will be retained.

Fourth, Center Parcs is all about getting back to nature. As a result, all inmates attending on the 19th will be expected to get close to nature by digging a rectangular hole, approximately six foot deep, one per resident. The hole is not billable, but any customers availing themselves of the holes will have their estate billed as per our extended stay discounted rate.

All of us at Center Parcs wish all our lags a restful and enjoyable visit.

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Scientists warn about the effects of Nicholas Witchell

In scenes reminiscent of the daily Covid briefings, Professor Chris Whitty, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm and Sir Patrick Valalnce have reunited as the Holy Trinity of scientific opinion to issue a government health warning about the possible effects of over exposure to Nicholas Witchell in the next few days.

Beginning with the calming phrase that helped soothe a nation during the pandemic, 'Next slide please' Professor Chris Whitty revealed that whilst some would have a natural immunity to Witchell, others might be highly vulnerable to his voice that makes Marvin the Paranoid Android appear off his tits on wizz. This could cause people to fall asleep at the wheel of a vehicle, whilst operating heavy machinery or whipping up a quick marmalade sandwich."

"Long after an initial exposure", Sir Patrick Valance continued, "people might find themselves inexplicably uttering mantras such as, 'The Royal family doesn't comment on the health of the Monarch’, or ‘It would be wrong to speculate but…” showing a level of infection not even Covid reached at it's peak. The NHS should be prepared for a wave of people infected with what SAGE are calling Witchell waffle ."

Bringing the emergency health bulletin to a close, Professor Jonathan Van Tamm, dressed in his beloved Boston United football kit warned, "People might think they can deal with it, but Witchell, whose overtime payments alone are set to be responsible for a doubling of the licence fee, has according to viewing figures already been on our TV screens for longer than the little girl who used to play naughts and crosses with her doll. Listen to the science. Our advice is stay away from your TV sets and mobile devices. Turn off your radios and for heaven's sake do not buy the Daily Mail until at least October."

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Poet Laureate marks the sad death of the Queen, with a limerick

Queen Elizabeth was a top bird,

Of whom no one can say a bad word.

But now she is dead,

So to rule us instead,

Here’s 'Old Big Ears', it's King Charles the third.

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