Conservative MPs sue Party for PTSD after Question Time appearances

Dave (not his real name) is a Conservative MP. He told NewsBiscuit about the terrors of being sent “over the top” onto Question Time: ‘It’s horrific. You’ve got ten, maybe twelve backbenchers who owe favours or we’re in the shit for something – usually sexual. It’s like the First World War trenches, only with bigger rats.

‘The whips are right bastards. There’s one, I can’t think of him without shuddering, he just walks down the line making eye contact until you lower your eyes. Then you feel a hand on your shoulder and it’s your turn’.

Jenny (not her real name) is a junior minister: ‘They make you face the public. The actual public. Even from twenty, thirty feet away they smell. Not as bad as the rivers, obvs, but it’s still horrid. Who’d have thought people would be so upset about a bit of shit being pumped into their rivers 850 times a day?’

As soon as Question Time ends the Conservative cannon fodder is whisked away to a treatment centre. An undercover journalist working for NewsBiscuit infiltrated the centre posing as a care worker. What she saw was heartbreaking. ‘There was this old chap, must have been respectable once, just rocking back and forth, rubbing his knees and crying silently. Tears streaming down his face but no sound emerging. It was chilling.

‘Those are referred to as ‘the wets’. Don’t know why. There’s a separate wing – Darwin - where the others hang out. That’s party central – booze, drugs, music. The ones who can hack it, who actually enjoy the abuse – they’re the future of the Party. They’re assessed by psychiatrists and if they score high in the psychopath tests they’re promoted at the next reshuffle. God knows what the party will be like after a few more rounds of Darwinism’.

Charles Darwin was unavailable for comment. He’s dead, apparently. Wet.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/caniceus-15612619/

First published 14 May 2023

www.newsbiscuit.com

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Reform leaders to appear separately on BBC 'for security reasons'

Just as members of the Royal Family never take the same plane, Reform’s leaders Nigel Farage and Richard Tice have been advised to appear on different BBC programmes in case a sane member of the public is inadvertently let in.

‘You never see Nigel and Richard together’, an insider told us. ‘Okay, they hate each other’s guts, but the main reason is to maintain resilience in the event of an assassination attempt, like that one where Donald absorbed a bullet through his earlobe giving him superpowers. God, I love that man’.

The BBC has agreed to have them on separate programmes until the heat death of the universe or their manifesto makes sense, whichever comes first. Fiona Bruce has been doing this for the past year, alternating one or other Reform leader, occasionally letting Lee Anderson on instead so he doesn’t feel left out.

We asked a BBC spokesman what Anderson brings. ‘Do you remember when Ross from Friends had that monkey in season 1? They had to find something for it to do in each episode, must have been a nightmare for the scriptwriters. We made the same mistake – people expect to see Lee every so often, though the monkey would have been easier to direct’.

Next for Chris Philp: 'this is small and that is far away'