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UK's longest tunnel 'sadly' not an escape route


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The tunnel was initially pitched as a route to a fabled land of plenty - like Narnia or the Isle of Wight. Now, all optimism of a hasty exit has dwindled, now that it has become clear that the light at the end of the tunnel would just be the headlights of the HGV that was about to hit you. Said one UK resident: '£9bn to escape Starmer's Britain seemed a bargain. But it only gets you as far as Tilbury, Essex - which means you're still in the $hit.'


The Lower Thames Crossing was originally called 'Charlie Tunnel' and was to be dug by veteran Prisoners of War. Instead, the hole will be generated by collecting together all the country’s pot holes and combining it with the financial blackholes left by Rachel Reeves. The entry sign reads "Abandon Hope All Ye that Enter...£5 toll, please". And like all UK politics, there will be no opportunity to turn left.





Rachel Reeves defends accepting free tickets to Sabrina Carpenter concert

Updated: Mar 25


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Rachel Reeves has defended her attendance as a Sabrina Carpenter gig, saying that the tickets were of no value to her.


She thought she was getting tickets to see The Carpenters, and accepted them to highlight the issue of eating disorders.  She said that she wasn’t aware that Karen Carpenter had died some while ago, and expressed her condolences.


When it became clear that Sabrina Carpenter was neither related to The Carpenters, nor a tribute act, it was too late to send the tickets back without seeming rude or ungrateful.   The Chancellor therefore reluctantly accepted the advice of her staff that she should go ahead and attend the concert.   She confirmed that she had not enjoyed it at all, and would never want to repeat the experience.


Rachel Reeves is 46.




The Chancellor's statement on the economy

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In order to calm the turmoil on international capital markets, the Chancellor, Rachel Reeves, has today issued the following statement to restore calm:


‘I have a plan for growth.  I am not loath to deliver growth.  Zero growth is both no growth and no good.  I will deliver non-zero growth – you have my oath.


'There must be no digression, depression or recession, or a procession and progression of recession.   I will fight recession with aggression, self-possession, the legal profession, and a positive facial expression.


'Austerity is a barbarity, but with dexterity I say, with verity and sincerity, it can become a rarity and be consigned to posterity.


'There are black books, with a black hole and red ink. There is a red wall and green crap and a yellow peril.  But I have a golden rule and the white heat of technology, and I dream in colour. 14 years of Tory mismanagement left us in the shade and off colour.  But soon we will be in the pink.


'The Tories bashed, lashed, mashed, smashed, thrashed and crashed the economy.  The creation of inflation shocked the nation.  No elation, no sensation.   An inflation castration.  An economic sedation. Prices rising for your vacation and your hydration and at the gas station – all causing starvation.


'So, in conclusion: taxes are going up. 

'Big time. 

'Soz.'


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