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Using emergency legislation, the government is to give the Metropolitan Police new powers to arrest supporters of so-called 'Woke Causes' for newly introduced specific crimes.


Amendments to the Police Act, will soon allow officers to detain Black Lives Matter protesters for "possession of a knee with intent to kneel." Pedestrians who are still on a Pelican Crossing when the green man starts flashing can also be arrested for supporting Just Stop Oil and holding up the highway; as can cyclists who fail to give way to any motor vehicle that is behind them.


Speaking outside New Scotland Yard, a Met spokesman lauded the proposed changes to the law. He remarked, 'These sorely-needed updates to bring policing into the 21st century will greatly aid our officers in the execution of their duties. This is the biggest shake up of law enforcement in the capital, and most-needed, since the 1980s, when we could arrest someone simply for owning a Bob Marley LP, or speaking in public with an Irish accent.'



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First published 6 Sep 2023


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The return of Harry and Meghan to the UK is not news, but that hasn't stopped it being treated like news. But it is not news. 


Pearl clutching Daily Mail readers across the UK – especially in the Home Counties – have been furious about this non-news. However, many are also secretly relieved, with some even quietly fist pumping and Nazi saluting in celebration.


'It's just not the same when she's in America,' trilled one openly racist woman. 'When Meghan is here in the UK, I can hate her with the heat of a thousand suns, based purely on the colour of her skin. What fun! I'm not a racist – well, not a common racist, like that ghastly Nigel Farage. The newspapers are on my side.'


'I did buy some Harry and Meghan crockery, but only so I could smash it like a Greek wedding. Hooray! I mean... Booo!'



Image credit: deep dream generator. Two for one offer on Meghan Markle, apparently.


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