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An expedition into the remote Amazon jungle has failed to discover anyone who was surprised by the news that a newly elected Reform councillor has been sacked for past racist tweets.


After several weeks in which they didn’t encounter a human soul, the expedition was surprised to come across a village of tribes people who appeared to have had no contact at all with the outside world.


However, according to village headman Guaraná, none of them had been at all surprised by the news that Glenn Gibbins had once posted that Nigerians should be melted down to fill potholes.


'What an absolute cockwomble,' Guaraná continued. 'I mean, I don’t even know what a Nigerian is - or a pothole - and even I know only a complete twatbadger would say that.'


A spokesman for Reform said the occasional hiccup like this was inevitable in such a fast-growing party.


“There just hasn’t been time to vet such a huge number of new candidates to check if they’re racist Neanderthals,” he explained. 'Which of course they mostly are, since they want to join Reform.'


A primitive, Stone Age people whose technology is limited to flint arrowheads, Reform now has almost one and a half thousand councillors across England and Wales.



Image credit: NB archive



The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.


‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.


‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.


A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.


Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.





First published 17 Jan 2023


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