Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers

The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.

‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.

‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.

A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.

Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.

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Shock in Pontypandy as Fireman Sam’s ‘hero’ reputation goes up in smoke

The Welsh village of Pontypandy has been left reeling by the news that ‘hero next door’ Fireman Sam is actually a sexist, racist, bullying pr*ck.

Chief Fire Officer Boyce received complaints from female firefighters Ellie Phillips and Penny Morris, who said Sam frequently sends them inappropriate images of his ‘fireman’s hose’, and texts inviting them to polish his ‘big, red engine’. There have also been accusations of bullying from firefighter Elvis Cridlington, who said Sam regularly sh*ts in his helmet. Nurse Helen Flood reported that Sam often makes racist remarks towards her, and café owner Bella Lasagne said he's always taking the p*ss out of her Italian accent. Bella also stated that her real name is in fact Maria Conti, and ‘Bella Lasagne’ is actually an offensive nickname given to her by Sam.

Chief Fire Officer Boyce said, “The whole village is ablaze with talk of Fireman Sam’s incendiary behaviour, and the good reputation of Pontypandy’s Fire Service has been reduced to ashes. These allegations have sparked a major investigation, and as a result Sam’s career ambitions within the Fire Service will be extinguished. He won’t be climbing the ladder - he’ll be fired immediately, and I don’t care if he is put out about it. Hopefully losing his job will damp down his enthusiasm for behaving like a flaming w*nker, but I doubt it.”

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Daily Mail dilemma as doctors show racism causes cancer

Paul Dacre has admitted that a recent study which links racism, homophobia, sexism and inaccuracy to cancer has made tomorrow's headline a very difficult pitch.

"Normally, it's fairly straightforward; choose the morally worse path and go down it.", explained Mr Dacre, "But the exception is a ridiculous story that links cancer to a random thing, but not this random."

When informed that the study was led by Ms Prisha Patel who is in a same sex relationship, My Dacre responded; "For god's sake."

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