CPS to target moderate posts

Following a week of 24-hour prosecutions for inciting violence online, for setting fire to wheelie bins then jumping headfirst and for intercepting bricks with the head and gonads the Crown Prosecution Service is changing its focus.

'We believe we need to show a balanced approach to this situation,' said a spokesman today, 'which is why we're not pursuing Nigel Farage, Richard Tice and Laurence Fox but instead targeting some of the more moderate posts regarding this outbreak of anti-social behaviour,' he added.

As a result, 23-year-old Stacy from Hexham is in front of magistrates tomorrow for posting 'you OK hun?' on Twitter. 'Absolutely pitched to garner a pile-on of similar platitudes,' explained the spokesman. He also identified Jason from Northallerton who has been seen on social media helping with the clean-up following recent riots near his home. 'It's a volatile situation and do-gooders like this are likely to inflame the situation. Likely to be custodial sentence for that one,' he added.

About two thousand fire-fighters are nervously waiting to see if they're next for the knock from the Old Bill.

Image: Newsbiscuit

Racist riots just 'Olympic celebrations that got out of hand"

Reform UK, the political wing of the EDL, has tried to suggest that racist rioting in a variety of English cities is merely over enthusiastic support for Britain at the Olympics - hence all the Union Jack tattoos and balaclavas.

A spokes-goon shouted 'What better way to support our brave showjumpers, canoeists and divers than to set fire to a police station in Sunderland? Or smash up town centres across England?'

When asked if he would be watching black British athletes like Dina Asher-Smith and Zharnel Hughes the spokes-goon's face began twitching and he became visibily uncomfortable. 'I'm not... it's just... I... you know... I think I might be busy burning down a mosque in Liverpool that day. Someone told me that would be showing my support - as long as I wear a balaclava and don't show my face.'

A spokesman for Nigel Farage's office began fanning himself like a Southern belle, saying 'Well I do declare. Violence is not the answer. Unless it is directed at immigrants, in which case it's what we call "legitimate concerns", by which we mean please burn down a mosque. '

A distinctly Farage-sounding evil laugh, like Vincent Price at the end of Thriller, could be heard in the background.

image from pixabay

Clacton residents furious they haven’t had a riot yet

Residents of Clacton who voted for an MP who extolled the virtues of taking their country back are expressing dismay that nobody seems to be inviting the EDL to trash Clacton and tear down their garden walls so they can throw bricks at Clacton cops.

“You can’t trust a word a bleedin’ politician says” Mavis Smallbotham of the Centre for Racist Studies told Newsbiscuit. “They come round ‘ere asking for our votes and then you never see ‘em again. They’re off encouraging people to riot somewhere else. It’s a disgrace, but do you think I can get GB News interested in it? It’s ridiculous how we can take anything back to a shop if it ain’t fit for purpose, but will they let you take a c**t back to get it changed?

The MP for Clacton was unavailable for comment, but if we can smuggle a reporter into a BBC Question Time audience, we hope to raise Ms Smallbotham’s concerns with him.

image from pixabay