Paul Dacre has admitted that a recent study which links racism, homophobia, sexism and inaccuracy to cancer has made tomorrow's headline a very difficult pitch.
"Normally, it's fairly straightforward; choose the morally worse path and go down it.", explained Mr Dacre, "But the exception is a ridiculous story that links cancer to a random thing, but not this random."
When informed that the study was led by Ms Prisha Patel who is in a same sex relationship, My Dacre responded; "For god's sake."
Updated: Jun 22, 2022
Following widespread condemnation of the online abuse hurled at three England players after their Euro 2020 final defeat, the nation’s bigots have hit back by renouncing football as the primary platform for their racist rhetoric.
In response to scathing criticism from the FA and England Manager Gareth Southgate, and a slightly vague, non-committal ticking off from the Prime Minister, racists across the country have now united against football. A statement issued by the newly formed group, Racism Against Football, asserted that, “football will no longer be tolerated in any form” as an outlet for attacking people “who don’t look like they’re from round here”.
The group were unable to issue any further updates on their plans, however, as their Facebook and Twitter accounts were permanently blocked two minutes after their initial statement was published.
Updated: Jun 21, 2022
Following Euro 2020, leading Conservatives like Boris Johnson and Priti Patel have remembered to quickly condemn the kind of racists who have been a bit too obvious about it, for being too obvious about it.
A Tory grandee interrupted his supper to bloviate: ‘You can't just say you don't like black people. That's racist and wrong. Instead, you heavily imply you don’t like black people by saying that taking the knee is gesture politics or Marcus Rashford should stick to football. Or you can condone it by implication, like refusing to criticise booing racists or needlessly cutting the foreign aid budget. That's populist and right and makes sure it’s a vote winner with our core demographic, white English xenophobes.’
‘You’ve got to keep your racism classy’ he continued, before belching deeply.
‘Populism equals racism plus time – that’s the Boris formula. That and wallpapering over his infidelities.’
