Farage to be Reform candidate for every constituency

Following news that a YouTuber is standing for election in 11 separate London constituencies, the Reform party has branded him a 'millennial underachiever' and announced that party CEO Nigel Farage is personally standing for election in all 650 UK parliamentary constituencies.

The former commodities trader will also conduct 100% of the Reform Party's media engagements, write all their policies personally, and collect the majority of all donations to the party in line with his status as majority shareholder - whether those donations are made by credit card or in the form of coins thrown at him in the street.

Responding to accusations that Reform was a 'one man band', a spokesperson for Mr Farage, giving his name as Figel Narage, said 'Nonsense, we are a very diverse band in fact. We also have Richard and his friends as the backing financiers, Mr Farage as lead tub thumper, and a completely different person called Mr Garage on dog whistle.'

Image: Newsbiscuit

Tory Party cryptic Latin Primer

Supreme Court rules Trump can compete on Love Island

Donald Trump will be allowed to compete on the upcoming series of Love Island, after the US Supreme Court ruled that Trump is immune from justice as well as to STDs probably, given he's still alive after all the porn stars. 

In a hastily deleted social media post, Trump wrote 'Love Island, but not as much as I love the flag of Liberia or Australia or whatever I think the flag of America looks like.'

'One woman, she said to me... tears in her eyes... she said I have the body of a chiselled Greek God. Just imagine my mostly nude, rippling body - maybe some golden budgie smugglers - maybe not - running on the beach, bouncing in slow motion like the Baywatch credits. Really think about it.'

'Like me, there will be a few "fun" racists and misogynists on there. Women? I'll grab them by the... well, what I'll grab them by is already a matter of public record.' 

'I will miss my current wife E Jean Pelosi or Kamala Haley or whoever it is. I will also miss my children... that I know of... right guys? They know what I'm talking about. No, I'm joking. I won't miss my children at all. Except for my daughter Ivana, if you know what I mean.'  

'Once I have finished claiming Love Island for Russia - I mean America - or do I? - I look forward to defeating the failing Barack Clinton in November and going full Handmaid's Tale.'

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