Pompey racists still better than the Southampton ones

The south coast rivalry as to who has the thickest hooligans is no contest, after the people of Portsmouth managed to injure police officers and damage property all in one night. Anti-immigrant protestors exchanged increasingly serious nods across vast distances until someone developed neck strain. This was followed by a bout of professional bin kicking and the hundred-metre Menacing Walk Cup.

The Pompey lads were miles ahead in the competitive pointing at things metric, spending six hours aggressively gesturing at the same bus stop until nobody remembered why. This was followed by the Standing About Trophy, where they leant against walls while looking vaguely threatening without actually doing anything.

The final victory went to whoever could carry an empty plastic bag around town for the longest time while acting as if it's extremely important. One anti-immigrant lout spoke out, between coke and booze sessions, ‘Me smash. Me smash good.’ Which is probably the most profound thing he ever said since failing his O-levels.

Image: WixAI

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

Jenrick asks for police help in recovering hundreds of black outfits and face coverings

'Honest' Bob Jenrick has reported the theft of a large quantity of black outfits and face coverings, Reform had been able to purchase for a late summer fancy dress ball, thanks to a generous donation from an overseas billionaire; and had allowed the outfits to be borrowed by what was claimed to be a good cause, but which now appears to be a bunch of dodgy scrotes, who never returned them as promised.

Mr Jenrick told Newsbiscuit he suspects there were worn by migrants; with the face coverings needed to hide the scrotes' skin colour; and won’t be happy until the police arrest every person of colour then turn their drums over to recover the missing outfits.

Image: Men In Black PNG Images (Transparent HD Photo Clipart)

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here

Racists can no longer claim England flags are for the World Cup

Thousands of fat, middle-aged, white racists are devastated that following the conclusion of England's World Cup campaign, their England flags will either have to come down, or they'll have to admit they're racists.

The 'I'm not racist but brigade' were secretly hoping that England's Team of three white blokes and some immigrants might at least last until the final, so they could have another couple of days of secret racism without their neighbours finding out..

Gary Johnson of Tipton told our reporter, 'I like it when Harry Kane scores, but I am less enthused when Jude Bellingham scores and even less so when it's Bukayo Saka. The manager's a German, but we beat the French, so that comes out even. I'm keeping the flags up until the by-election. I'm not a racist, though. I've even got brown friends.'

Image: WixAI

www.newsbiscuit.com

Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.