Racists can no longer claim England flags are for the World Cup

Thousands of fat, middle-aged, white racists are devastated that following the conclusion of England's World Cup campaign, their England flags will either have to come down, or they'll have to admit they're racists.

The 'I'm not racist but brigade' were secretly hoping that England's Team of three white blokes and some immigrants might at least last until the final, so they could have another couple of days of secret racism without their neighbours finding out..

Gary Johnson of Tipton told our reporter, 'I like it when Harry Kane scores, but I am less enthused when Jude Bellingham scores and even less so when it's Bukayo Saka. The manager's a German, but we beat the French, so that comes out even. I'm keeping the flags up until the by-election. I'm not a racist, though. I've even got brown friends.'

Image: WixAI

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Reform to ban Black Friday

Amazon has complained about a campaign by Reform that threatens all references to Black Friday when they get into power.

'Friday is for everyone, in fact it is more for white people than people of colour,' said a Reform spokesperson today. 'We don't mind blackboards, we're not woke,' he added, and said accident black spots were 'just fine by him' and 'black shirts were really his preference'.

'Honestly, I'm browned off by all this woke stuff. Not literally, obviously,' he said, checking in the mirror. Then in the Sun until finding refuge in the Daily Mail comments section.

Image: rupixen (@rupixen) | Unsplash Photo Community

BBC airs 'Dr Who and the Garlics' to win over French haters

'We've taken a lot of flack from the right wing press for apparently being biased towards the left,' said a spokes-Tardis for the BBC.

'So to prove how totally impartial we are, we're putting out a show which serves up some truly loathsome foreign villains for Tories and Reform voters to despise.

'It's a special edition of Dr Who in which the doctor, played by an in-form Nigel Farage, takes on a bunch of shifty, treacherous French humanoid machines called the Garlics who want to subject Britain to European rule again.

'Armed with only a sonic vodka and orange screwdriver and 200 Rothmans, Farage's Doctor Who defeats Macron, the evil Garlic leader, by boring him and everyone else to death with a series of interminable press conferences.

'We've really done the background on this,' said the BBC spokes-Jelly Baby, looking increasingly embarrassed at what he had been made to read out.

'The Farage doctor regenerated from the Enoch Powell doctor. He, in turn, regenerated from Oswald Mosley and Lord Haw Haw.

'And the Farage doctor is a Time Lord, all right, because what he really wants is to take Britain back in time to the 1930s and then lord it over everyone as prime minister.'

Image: WixAI