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Mick Lynch to join Marvel Cinematic Universe



Mick Lynch, General Secretary of the RMT union is to join the Marvel Cinematic Universe, studio bosses announced today.


After barnstorming performances on TV screens over recent days, fans will be excited to see Lynch finally join the Hollywood blockbuster franchise. Whilst details remain sketchy at present, it is thought that the first film will see Lynch simultaneously defeat hundreds of semi-robotised news anchors and reporters, batting away monotonous and tedious questions about supposedly bringing the country to a standstill, with reasoned and careful analysis of modern employment relations, the race to the bottom in the UK, and the need for workers to mobilise together to further their long-term interests.


Lynch will also star in crossover ventures with other superheroes, including a 2-part movie with Captain America, in which Lynch explains the inevitable extraction of surplus value under capitalism, ultimately persuading Captain America of the intrinsic benefits of collectivism over individualism. Other planned movies include, The Avengers: Class War, Guardians of the Galaxy: Health and Safety Protocols, and the Fantastic Four (Day Strike).


An initial five movie deal has been negotiated. Further films may be possible, argued Lynch today, 'subject to locked-in inflation-level pay increases, genuine workplace dialogue and credible commitments from employers who have been typically intransigent towards maintaining the terms and conditions negotiated in good faith by Marvel characters and their unions through the recognised sector-level machinery of industrial relations'.



First published 22 June 2022



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Rail passengers announce strike dates


Long suffering rail passengers say that they have ‘no option’ but to go on strike, in protest at poor quality services, cancellations, rising ticket prices, chronic under-investment, dirty trains, and unbelievably hard baguettes from station kiosks.


'We can’t take this any more,' said a spokesman for the radical rail traveller lobby group PARSNIP. 'This stands for Passengers Against Rail Strikes – with the remaining letters to be figured out later. We are proposing a general strike and will picket rail stations to persuade other passengers that enough is enough and the current long standing nonsense has to stop.


'We have a radical programme of action to help our members to avoid railways altogether. We can provide car loans, bike rental, lifts, discounted running shoes and legally binding work-from-home contracts.


'We can also support the victims of rail travel with counselling, dietary advice, lost property tracking services and debt advice.


'Our radical vision is convert railway lines to express bus routes, to convert rail carriages into accommodation for the homeless, and to use railway stations for shops, to the extent that this hasn’t already happened. We will take direct action to achieve our aims and we will be gluing ourselves to things, chucking soup over stuff, and rustling our newspapers. So watch out!'

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