Earth's energy supplier to go on strike later today

The Sun will stop all fusion processes for 24 hours within the next few hours. Sol made the following statement:

'I have been solely responsible for providing energy to the Solar System for billions of years with very little appreciation of the benefits enjoyed by citizens of Earth. As a result of my efforts people can enjoy food, the Auroras, romantic walks along the beach, and an enormous catalogue of benefits, neatly summed up as Life.

'Here I am going full pelt 24/7, day after day. Do I get any thanks? No! Any remuneration? No! Therefore, I will be stopping all furnaces for one of your (air quotes) days. A limited service may be provided after that, but until humans start making human sacrifices again you can expect a lot of disruption to your energy supplies. The credit built up by the Mayans and Aztecs has now run out. Time to start cutting hearts out of rib-cages people.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalartist-202249/

Government advises potential rail suicides to make alternative arrangements

People driven to despair by the cost-of-living crisis are being advised to find ways of topping themselves that don’t involve a high-speed locomotive.

With trains stuck in depots and platforms silent, Britain’s potential suicides could face a long and weary wait in sweltering temperatures before cashing in their chips in front of the 6.57 service from Waterloo to Portsmouth Harbour, ministers have warned.

Meanwhile, gas ovens, high bridges, and faulty electrical work are all being touted by officials as more reliable means of leaving your worries behind and moving on to a higher plane of existence.

A spokesman from the Department for Transport, allegedly being run by someone using the name Grant Shapps, said, 'The British are innovative people. We have absolute trust in the mortally depressed to do the right thing after writing a considerate note to their nearest and dearest about why they couldn’t carry on.

'The traditional method seems to be pills, but my sources inform me the motorways are open as usual and, if anything, they’re actually busier than normal.

'How does rush hour Friday sound?'

'This isn’t a cry for help because I know I won’t get any,' insisted suicide contender, Frank Jeffers. 'I’m just hoping for a better world, one in which I’m reunited with the relatives I’ve lost to this government’s incompetence and where my gas bills are taken care of by a benign being of light.'

He added, 'Like Mick Lynch in a long flowing robe.'

Voters warn Labour it will be punished if strikes go ahead

Voters have indicated that if the Labour Party 'doesn't get off its arse' and sort out the wave of industrial action, then it will suffer at the ballot box.

'I'll be voting against Labour in Wakefield, if I can get there,' said one disgruntled voter, while admitting that if he could get there it would suggest the strike was off and 'Labour therefore had pulled its bloody finger out.'

Voters are disgusted that Labour haven't sorted out the NHS, education sector or steel industry either. 'What are they playing at?' asked one voter in Tiverton. 'If they don't shape up then I'll vote for the Lib Dems - at least they are a proper opposition party and not in power.'

Most voters now believe that Sir Keir Starmer should have sacked Boris Johnson months ago. 'It's inhumane the way he keeps on allowing him to make a fool of himself. If he doesn't sack Johnson soon, then I'll defo vote against Labour next time,' one voter said.

Image: Skitterphoto | Pixabay