Elderly ladies saddened by Burning Nan festival cancellation

'I was looking forward to taking psychotropic drugs, dancing topless then ending it all on a huge conflagration' said Jean Smythe, 81 of Honiton, speaking from a sodden bonfire somewhere in the Nevada Desert. 'Now I wish I had spent the money on purple knitting wool, half an ounce of skunk and a ticket to Zurich.'

Mrs Smythe is one of the hundreds of disappointed Grandmothers who wanted to end it all in a blaze of suicidal glory in the desert at Burning Nan. Many of them are of the generation who attended the first Woodstock or Isle of Wight and older, and some are accompanied by devoted grandchildren.

Jerry Smithers, a first timer at BN said, 'I told my nan she'd get to see and possibly sleep with Brian Poole of Tremeloes fame if she attended, without explaining in detail what the climax of the festival would entail. She was disappointed but put a brave face on it, as that generation always does.

'But I'm gutted as not only have I missed out on inheriting a bungalow near Herne Bay and a Hillman Minx 2 door coupe in drivable condition, I also have to pay for the old girl's return ticket.'

It's thought hundreds if not thousands of nans will go unburnt in Nevada, and US President Joe Biden has been urged to send Mrs Biden to the region as soon as she has finished her jigsaw. Meanwhile, leading Republicans have labelled the refugee grandmas as 'thieves, pimps and murderers.'

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

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First published 5 Sep 2023

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A quintessentially English summer

Man builds ark as UK experiences ‘dry weather shortage’

Following confirmation from the Met Office that it has rained somewhere in the UK every single day so far this year, a Shropshire man has announced that he is “about 60% sure the end is nigh” and has therefore built a full-scale ark, where he is now trapped with two of every animal on Earth.

Noah Smith said he felt compelled to build the ark when the amount of rain that has fallen this year started to feel “almost biblical”, and the weather app showed nothing but rain icons extending indefinitely into the future. “At some point,” he explained, “you stop asking ‘when will it end?’ and start asking ‘how many cubic metres does a giraffe emotionally require?’”

Problems began the moment the animals boarded. “Two of every animal is actually loads of animals,” said Noah, who has not slept in four days. “And then there’s the smells, and the noise. The elephants are constantly blocking the corridors, the snakes keep escaping and reappearing in places snakes should not be, and the rabbits have turned two rabbits into what I can only describe as an infestation.”

Feeding time has proven especially challenging. “The lions turn their noses up at anything that isn’t actively screaming, and the goats have consumed several structural beams instead of eating the hay provided for them,” sighed Noah. “Meanwhile, the penguins are being divas about temperature control, and the monkeys keep throwing essential navigation equipment overboard.”

Sanitation has also become a sensitive subject. “It turns out the phrase ‘clean as a whistle’ was not coined on a floating zoo,” Noah said, trying to scrape dung off the sole of his shoe with the end of an umbrella.

As rain continues to fall sideways, Noah admits he may have misread the signs. “In hindsight, the forecast of rain probably only applies to Britain,” he said. “I could’ve just bought a better coat, and some wellies.” Mopping the deck as a passing zebra kicked over his mop bucket, he added “Still, if civilisation collapses - and let’s face it, that’s the way things seem to be heading – at least I’ll be prepared. Emotionally? No. But structurally? Yes.”

The ark will probably remain afloat until at least the end of February, when Severn Trent Water is expected to announce a hosepipe ban.

image from pixabay

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