LOCAL POND - A mallard named Gerald has launched a furious public appeal to stop talking about the current cold, blustery conditions as 'Great Weather for Ducks' after the effects of Storm Boelo. Bystanders have described the accident as a strong gust of wind blew Gerald across the pond and into a hedge near the bus-shelter.
Gerald, speaking from a sheltered clump of weeds, said that while ducks famously do like 'a little bit of rain' - he drew a clear distinction between a calming drizzle and the gust-assisted downpour that has ruined the local duckweed.
'Every idiot with a Labrador is coming up to the pond and saying 'Bet you're loving this'.' said Gerald. 'No, Kevin, I am not bloody loving this. I am clinging to a bench leg. My feathers will take weeks to preen. I am not enjoying getting fired through the air like a wet shuttlecock!'
Local Councillor, Denise Harrow, has made a full consultation with her constituents both in and around the pond and has raised serious concerns about the foul language being used to the fowl. 'My constituents do enjoy the rain - this is true - however they do not enjoy torrential downpours, horizontal winds or local dog-walkers making weather comments while wearing rain-proofs. We are asking anyone in the area to pause all usage of Avian-based phrases until such time that Storm Boelo has passed.'
The council have provided a list of alternate phrases to use in the area of the pond on their website. These consist of 'miserable out', 'I hope the ducks are coping' and the French 'raining rope'.
Gerald, himself, has not ruled out 'raining cats and dogs' but thinks that it's not worth adding to the bill.
