All male Tory MPs to change name to Spartacus 'to save confusion'

With yet more named and as yet to be revealed Tory MPs accused of sexual predatory practices, the Conservative Party has decided to simplify the naming of predators by changing the names of all its male MPs to Spartacus. Stenographers at Hansard are understood to be particularly pleased by the development as accusations in the House of Commons are likely to reach fever pitch in the coming days.

'Trying to keep up with the real names of the alleged offenders is likely to result in the occasional error, so referring to all male Tory MPs by the same name de-risks the situation - not for the victims obviously' a spokesperson for the stenographers said today.

A similar approach for referring to the likes of the Home Secretary, the former Home Secretary and Liz Truss is being mooted. 'There isn't a cinematic female equivalent to Spartacus available, at least until we can persuade Netflix to make a film titled 'Batshit Crazy Evil Woman',' said the spokesperson. 'Not bothered about the plot seeing as none of them could find it anyway,' she added.

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Tory MPs sorted into ‘rape suspects’, ‘quitters’ and ‘candidates’

In a move designed to help voters know who not to vote for, all Conservative MPs are to be categorised according to whether they have been charged with a sexual offence, have thrown in the towel or wish to be considered for re-election. Some will be in two categories i.e. arrested for rape but decided to stand anyway.

‘An MP is innocent until proven guilty’, a spokesman reminded us. ‘Just because a person has been arrested on suspicion of (checks notes) rape and drug offences, doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong’.

The Party will produce a slimmed-down list of ‘sitting MPs who have not yet been found out or given up’ so that voters know who to ignore when the General Election finally comes.

Plans to include a category of ‘corruption and/or selling access to Parliament’ was rejected on the basis that it might be considered ‘entrepreneurial’ and therefore good for the economy.

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Portrait found in Russel Brand's attic