New police reality show tells it like it is

If you only watch one police fly-on-the-wall documentary this spring, then WATCH THIS ONE.

The show takes you BEHIND THE SCENES at the Met, revealing the highs and lows of police procedure, played out before your very eyes. It’s a real eye opener. Eye watering, even.

The shows camera teams received, exclusive, unfettered and unfiltered access to police work behind the scenes. Finally, you get to see beyond the car chases, the sirens, the fights, the smashed in doors and the mass taserings. Only the legally dodgy bits are redacted. This is the REAL DEAL.  

Watch it TONIGHT - ‘Real Secrets Of 24 Hours Of Extreme Police Paperwork’. Only on Channel 5. You’ll be amazed what you can do with a sharpened pencil.

Image credit: perchance.org

Trump v BBC law suit will likely force some changes in programming

'We've entrusted the BBC's governors to oversee our defence against President Trump's libel suit,' said a spokes-antenna for the corporation, 'and that almost definitely means we'll lose the case and have to pay him a fortune.

'With that in mind," continued the spokes-cheque, "we're replacing our regular TV schedule with an exciting new economy line of programmes.

'East Enders will be replaced with Ceased Enders, where viewers can watch scene shifters take apart the set on Albert Square so it can be flogged to Sky.

'Top Gearbox will see the madcap team go to a Unipart warehouse to compare gearboxes for price and quality.

'There'll be Dr Who Can Lend Us A Fiver and our new charity fundraiser, Corporation in Need.

'And everyday we'll be screening an exhilarating new psycho-drama called Transmission Test Card, featuring a girl playing noughts and crosses with a creepy clown doll.

'We're expecting the whole of Britain to be riveted to their screens, waiting for him to come to life and draw a nought.

Traitor - live coverage via smartphone of the internal enquiry into who edited the Panorama footage of Trump's speech

Unfortunately, we can't give you any more examples of new cut price programmes but others believed to be under consideration are.

Corporation In Need

Ronnie Barker in Open on Tuesday Afternoons Only

Physician Assistant Who

Race Across The Isle of Wight Celebrity Love Handles

The Only Show

Celebrity Race to the Bus Station Gone Fly Tipping

Shoplifting in Paradise

hat-tips: sirlupus, deskpilot, lockjaw

GB News to live stream small boat crossings

So-called news channel GB News is to live stream the arrival of asylum seekers at Dover in small boats. This second news channel, provisionally titled The English Channel, will broadcast live 24/7 and will supply highlights to the news channel.

Refugee charities have agreed to allow cameras on their boats, to show the appalling conditions in which asylum seekers cross. 'It was a difficult call,' said the charities' spokesman. 'We know that Reform has a different agenda, but we liked the irony of using their money to help the asylum seekers.'

GB News is excited by its new channel. 'Our viewers will be able to get angry whenever they want. Round the clock coverage of small boats arriving will be like manna from heaven. This should see off Fox News and the other weirdo channels.'

Border Force are less pleased. 'Our staff will be on telly, doing their jobs, but without an artists contract. No make up. No intimacy coordinator. No chow truck. No pay. Worst of all - not even a sniff at an Equity card.

To add insult to injury, another TV company plans to film a documentary about the live streaming. 'It'll be mayhem,' said our source. 'We are considering making our own documentary about them, to set the record straight and counterbalance any less than impartial journalism.'

'Then we can get ourselves Equity cards and ensure that we get a fair share of broadcast fees. And we're planning to have a TV tie in book out for Christmas too.

'Ker-ching!'

image from google gemini