Apprentice candidate admits that failure on task was totally down to them

A candidate on the Apprentice has shocked Lord Sugar, his advisors, fellow competitors and TV audiences by admitting that the failure of a task was entirely due to their incompetence, and that really, if someone should be fired right now, it was them.

In a refreshingly honest boardroom encounter, Mike Jones 42, held up his hands and accepted that during a totally artificial and unrealistic task sourcing and buying 12 random products for the lowest price around some European city whilst dressed in full business garb and pursued by 12 cameras and sound crew, he had contributed absolutely nothing of value.

'I fucked it up, good and proper', said Jones. 'That 2 kilos of scallops should have been got for £30 quid max, but the wholesaler saw I was totally green and got £250 out of me. And before you make some heavily scripted crappy fish-related pun, Lord Sugar, let me do it for you. I was stitched up like a kipper (or should that be scallop) - make sure you glance over to Karen and laugh at my expense at that point.'

'Actually, I'm surprised I made it to the final 6', continued Jones candidly. 'I've only given it 70% on every task, way less than the 110% you need and that everyone else says they have given. Why should you invest in me and not the other 5 candidates? Honestly, you shouldn't. I've ordered my own Uber out of here to save you being charged for that black cab that you have constantly on standby outside. It's the least I could do.'

Jones also admitted that winning The Apprentice wouldn't actually mean the world to him at all. 'I've got a good solid job as an astrophysicist with an interest in sustainability, and have spent 15 years since my PhD trying to develop ways of harvesting water from other planets. To be honest I'm really happy with what I do and just wanted to try and get my ideas for helping build our future and the future of our children out there'.

'I can go back to my job on Monday. I don't really think working with Lord Sugar would be a good fit for me. I'd probably hit him very hard on day 1 if he kept using the word 'process' to describe absolutely everything, from making a cup of tea, to going for a mid-morning dump.'

'Mike was a nice candidate, but he clearly hasn't learnt much from the process', said one of Lord Sugar's 'trusted advisors'.. Surely the process must tell him he's not cut out for working with a titan of industry like Alan',

'His long-term vision to extract water from planets over the next 100 years, and ultimately make these planets habitable by humans by 2120 was just so derivative, when compared to the vintage clothes apps and artisan bread stores being proposed by everyone else in this process', continued the advisor.

'There are literally hundreds of small businesses operating already in the planetary exploration sector. I just designed an cloud-based tool in 10 minutes that does something very similar to what he's suggesting. He needs to learn to bullshit a lot more or he won't get anywhere.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/startupstockphotos-690514/

Man seeks restraining order against his Narrator

Dave Sanders, 34, of Stevenage, began legal proceedings today seeking a restraining order against his Narrator, saying that his life had been made intolerable by the constant banal and intrusive commentary.

Sanders said he first noticed the voice-over to his life after becoming a devotee of documentaries and reality shows, but it gradually took on a life of its own. ‘It started as an occasional voice in my head, generally making an obvious statement followed by a meaningless rhetorical question, such as: “Dave really needs a cup of tea, but will he remember where he left the teabags?”.’

After a while Dave began to feel he was being watched, and then other people started to hear the voice too. ‘I’d be like talking to my boss and the voice over would say “Dave is trying to impress the new Head of Human Resources – but did she notice him glance at her cleavage?”’

Things then took a further turn for the worse when he invaded Dave’s social life. ‘I was never that confident telling jokes,’ said Dave, ‘so I was a bit miffed when the Narrator appeared in the pub next to me and my mates saying “Dave is about to deliver the punch-line, but will he cock it up like he did last week?” The final straw was when he materialised while I was in bed with my girlfriend, saying: “Dave is ready to come now, but will he be able to hold off until Lisa is satisfied?”’

Sanders said that he was confident that his legal application will succeed, at which point a voice continued ‘…but is that confidence really justified?’

Image: Pixabay/MabelAmber

https://pixabay.com/users/mabelamber-1377835/

Story taken from '15 Years of Typos'

“Celebrity HGV Driver” programme may solve government crisis

Major broadcasters plan to come to the aid of the government by tapping into an endless supply of celebs that will do simply anything to have their faces on TV again, by helping solve the country's HGV driver shortage.

A plethora of has-beens have been taking the simplified HGV test, before showing their skills behind the wheel.

Producers of the programme have been tight lipped about the content, but have revealed that there were a few issues while filming. One hopeless celeb laughed as they delivered a tipper load of topsoil to a filling station on the M4. Another walked off the set after dropping some Toyota radiators at a Nissan factory. There was even a case of 20 tons of prime beef being delivered to a vegan wholesaler.

'Some of the celebs seemed to struggle with the bastard gear changes of a Foden S20', said one lorry driver, brought in as a consultant expert on the programme. 'But those who got the Scania R420 just had a smug look on their faces - understandably so, its a dream of a ride.'

An ex model/reality star, who broke several of her nails fixing the sewerage extraction pipes to the pump of her clapped out Volvo F86, said the last straw came after she had not been supplied with pink protective gloves with a feathery trim. The unnamed star was last heard shouting the soon to be famous programme catchphrase: "I'm a celebrity, get me out of the layby on the A404!" .

Image: Pixabay/Schwoaze

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