Great British Menu slammed 'pretentious, dangerous and out of control'

Chaos ensued on BBC’s cooking show Great British Menu, when one dish caused a major emergency and very nearly burnt the presenter and studio to the ground.

Contestant Paul Champion was recreating his much-praised: Ironic Vesuvius Erupting Amid Clouds of Compassion Caught Somewhere In Gran’s Fading Mind, paying homage to the NHS, when things went badly wrong.

'I had just sprinkled shavings of unicorn testicles over heritage irradiated purified wasp excrement and mouse snot powder, then fired up my WW2 army flamethrower to meld them together. But that's when things went a bit mental,' Paul said.

Unbeknown to him the lethal weapon was set on full power. Immediately a 30-foot jet of white-hot flame shot out, licking across presenter Andi Oliver's bottom and taking at least £250 off the value of her designer jump suit..

Safety officer, Reg Knaphill, who eventually brought the conflagration under control was less than impressed when speaking to reporters.

‘I am sick of it. Heston Blumenthal has a lot to answer for with this pretentious nonsense. What hell's wrong with a good old plate of ham, egg and chips?

Photo by Tali Despins on Unsplash

Football team refuses to play without their own reality TV series

Plucky, non-league Havant & Waterlooville FC are said to start the season with no major transfers and a complete absence of a 12-part Netflix serial, voiced over by the lovely Sir Patrick Stewart. Said the Manager: 'Obviously it's disappointing. Pre-season training had been going so well, with the team's make-over. hair stylists and intensive Stanislavski techniques.'

The players have gone on strike until a celebrity investor or rags-to-riches narrative can be secured. Said one player: 'I didn't get into the football to kick a football around. I did it for the real-life dramas, the spin-off Youtube channel and 15 minutes on the Graham Norton Show.'

Havant is one of only three teams this season not to have its own documentary, even Luton has one - called 'The Last of Us'. It also means fans will be forced to attend games in person, one game at a time. Remarked one fan: 'I'd normally sit on my sofa and binge the whole season in one weekend.'

Image: Nico_Boersen - Pixabay

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BBC Parliament part-scripted reality show

In a Panorama exclusive tonight, after three and a half years of meticulous investigation, Laura Kuenssberg finally reveals what the cameras in the House of Commons are actually recording – a carefully staged, partly improvised showcase of what might happen in that grand building if we actually had a proper government.

Through interviews with the show’s writers, Richard Curtis, Jo Brand, E L James and Gary Delaney, and explorations of the daily lives of actors Pev Datel (Rishi Sunak), Kory Rinnear (Dominic Raab), Cevin Kostner (Sir Keir Starmer) and Biona Fruce (Angela Rayner), Panorama reveals the truth behind the intricately constructed media sensation which was finally outed when the penny dropped that this week’s PMQs tussle between Dominic and Angela could only have been scripted by the author of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Watch ‘Illusion of Government’ on BBC One at 9pm tonight.

London Uk Parliament Big - Free photo on Pixabay

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