Government to reintroduce Trial by Combat

The government is denying it is pandering to Reform voters by overhauling the Criminal Justice system by eliminating the majority of Jury trials.  'Democracy and the Magna Carta is so yesteryear,' said a government spokesman today.

The new system will see less serious trials decided by 'Ips Dips Sky Blue', previously known as the Magistrates court but with the randomness of lay judges removed and replaced by Civil Servants with a top hat and names written on scraps of paper.  Straws might be used as well.  More serious crimes will be utilising Trial by Combat, with the survivor walking free.  'It'll save a shed load in jail spaces,' noted the spokesman, who suggested that white collar criminals should consider going to the gym before hacking their corporate IT systems.

Jury trials will be retained for more serious crimes where important people will need a way of avoiding justice.  For very serious crimes, to ensure nobody is penalised whatsoever, the public enquiry system will be maintained.  Much to the relief of corrupt politicians, fast-track PPE company owners, Post Office officials and refurbishers of tower blocks.

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Reform to review its policy on taking bribes

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Reform says Frankie the escaped flamingo should be prosecuted

Reform says that Frankie, the Caribbean flamingo that recently escaped from Paradise Park Wildlife Sanctuary in Hayle, Cornwall, on 2 November, should be prosecuted.

After the escape the bird was seen a few days later in Goulven Bay in northern France where it appears to have settled, no doubt attracted by the wide availability of baguettes and croissants.

A Reform spokesperson said: 'Obviously she’s a free-spirited thing, much like our leader, but that doesn't give her the right to fly roughshod over the UK’s admittedly ramshackle immigration laws. If she thinks she can just bugger off to France like she’s on some Tui holiday, then she has another thing coming.

'As I understand it, she has been living in Cornwall for two years without the relevant paperwork, and just amusing tourists by catching the odd fish and balancing on one leg. Or is that a heron? Whatever. She hasn’t been contributing. Anyhow, she's France’s problem now and hopefully she won’t come back.'

But the French aren’t happy either. The mayor of Goulven said: 'Our resources are already stretched by

les petits bateaux’ [literally ‘the little cakes’] and we have no easy way of sending Frankie home. But I guess if push comes to shove, we can always make her prime minister.'

Photo by Lex Melony on Unsplash