Hard working Conservative MP for Rottenshire and Stour, Fenton Axewound, has redoubled his efforts to not bother hiding it.
Speaking patriotically from a secret tax haven location next to his offshore fund in Dubai, Axewound remarked, 'After 200 years of selflessly extracting everyone else's money and keeping it for ourselves, it turns out that wasn't a sustainable system after all. It's all jolly unfair. No one could've seen it coming. We have staunchly upheld the British value of loyalty. Loyalty to the principle of every rich man for himself, it is what has bound us all together for so long.
'Through no fault of our own, we're now somehow in far more debt than can be swept under the priceless rug at Party HQ. It just doesn't make any sense. Our MPs - good eggs the lot of them - always like to help whenever and wherever they can. They've been helping themselves to Party funds using the same honorable methods they've always applied to helping themselves from the public purse.
'I blame the Party donors. It must be their fault. Those hussies are now flirting with Reform and Labour instead of us. How could they? Our precious nanny state teats have dried up and withered away. That has forced us to shut down the Conservative Party as a legal entity, write off all the debt, and immediately open up a new completely unconnected Conservative Party with all of the same MPs but, crucially, none of the debt. Do you see how very different that is?
'It is criminal. Absolutely criminal that we have been put in this position. But here's the really clever part no one will see coming. At the critical moment, we're all going to loyally jump ship to Reform. Well, the Roubles are sloshing around there now, aren't they? We shall do our duty of each taking as much as we can for ourselves, and then Reform will have to Reform. In the end we'll just rename it the Continuity Conservatives or something, and the voters won't notice. They certainly won't remember.
'Now do excuse me. I appear to have swan stuck in my teeth.'
While failing to herd cats - Tory fat-cat MPs - into loyally jumping ship to Reform at the same time, the Opposition was gifted to the Liberal Democrats.
