Analysts believe that the situation where a country is being destroyed by another country, with both countries run by religious fanatics, is happening right now, in real time.
'Either the United States is destroying Iran with sheer brute force and technological superiority or Iran is destroying the United States with careful pre-planning and an abundance of not-giving-a-shittery. We can't tell right now, it could be either,' said an analyst. 'Of course it could be Russia destroying the United States by proxy or Israel attempting to destroy Iran but actually destroying the United States by accident, but it all boils down to religious fanatics trying to destroy other religious fanatics, with all the fanatics in charge of countries,' he said.
'And now the bloody Church of England is looking at declaring a Jihad on the Presbyterians. God help us. Or perhaps He should butt out for a while,' he said.
With the Metropolitan Police struggling to win over the hearts and minds of the public, let alone solve slam-dunk cases, they have decided to take a leaf out of regional police force methods and co-opt clerics to assist CID detectives.
'We're aware that some less populated areas have had considerable success by allowing Catholic Priests and C of E Vicars assist in murder enquiries,' said a Met spokesman today. 'Indeed, if my research is correct, the clerics seem to find the important piece of incriminating evidence in most cases, despite zero forensic or investigative training,' he added.
He noted there were no known examples of Imams or Sikh scripture readers assisting the police, then qualified that by adding 'in an investigative role, anyway,' but said the Met were open to considering them. Especially if the BBC were to produce any more hard hitting documentaries like the ones he had seen based in the criminal hotbeds of Kembleford and the inner city rough area called Grantchester.
'You can see how effective the clerics are if you use iPlayer on catch-up, possibly on Dave,' he said.
Unfortunately the spokesman wasn't available for follow-up interview questions due to disappearing shortly after a meeting in his Chief Superintendents' office. Two nuns and a recently defrocked priest are helping the Met to get to the bottom of the mystery, and the full investigation is expected to be shown on ITV3 later this year.
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