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A report recently published has confirmed something that you've already known for years. Your next door neighbour is a total idiot, and now that it's official you can breathe a sigh of relief.
The report's author Dr David Lawson said, 'We interviewed over two thousand next-door neighbours and findings are conclusive. Your neighbour is a noisy idiot who plays loud music, he cooks smelly foreign food and often parks his car in your parking space.
'His wife is even more irritating with that stupid bloody laugh - and as for his fucking kids? Our research shows that they could definitely do with a good kick up the arse, especially the big, spotty, gangly streak of piss who looks like Peter Crouch.'
But it's not all good news because your neighbour, when asked his opinion on you, points out many of the exact same irritations, and in particular your insufferable air of superiority makes him want to smack you round the head with a good sturdy shovel.
Conflict Resolution Expert and muesli-chomping hippy, Crawford Wynterbourne, explains, 'Hey guys, modern living in a busy fast-paced world is stressful. Why don't you both get together over a beer and talk through your pent-up feelings of anger, resentment and hatred for one another.'
Tension evaporates when you both tell Crawford to 'go and fuck himself'. You then shake hands with your neighbour and invite him and his wife around for drinks next Friday.
Photo by Blake Wheeler on Unsplash
In an odd mark of respect, the 1,700 page Grenfell inquiry report bears a striking resemblance to a tower constructed from flammable materials.
'It is a sad reflection on our leading experts in this field that throughout the seven year process of producing this report, no one pointed out that paper is a highly flammable material,' said Wesley Gray, an expert in getting things horrifically wrong. 'This highlights the shameful systemic failures which means individuals and organisations just can't help themselves cutting corners to save costs and maximise profits.
'And it gets worse. Much of the commentary in the report itself has unhelpfully parroted the phrase 'lessons must be learned'. Those comments themselves are nothing short of incendiary.
'Every single copy of the report is going to have to be recovered in a non-flammable material at great expense to the taxpayer. It's going to take a long time, and during that period, the report itself must be considered a safety hazard and a major fire risk. For obvious reasons, stacking of the report has been prohibited.
'There is no option left other than to call for a seven year inquiry into how it was possible for a seven year inquiry to allow such a dangerous report to be produced.'
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