Rescue | NewsBiscuit

Going to the shops 'a bit spicier' during a red weather warning

Oct 23

Recent research has uncovered that even the most mundane tasks can be livened up by performing them whilst there is a risk to life.

Luke Lyle describes himself as an adrenaline junkie but is described by others as 'a tool, who lives in his mother's basement'. Lyle said 'Yeah man, I just can't get excited about things you normos do. But when there's a danger of death because of raging flood waters or high winds, I make unnecessary journeys like there's no tomorrow. Woo! Feel the rush! I mean... I do have to get rescued quite often, but it still counts.'

Scientist Piotr Polkowski said 'Climate change means there will be more extreme weather, so bellends like that will have more fun - and need rescuing more often - as the world burns. I'm not saying I've bought a hunting rifle and lots of canned goods, but I'm not not saying that either. Plus the first people that rising floodwaters will drive out of their homes are people who live in their mother's basement.'

Polkowski angrily denied building an ark, before adding 'Who told you about Project Noah?' He then looked longingly at his rifle, muttering 'Soon.'

Elsewhere, a drenched spokesperson for the actress Andie MacDowell rolled their eyes, before confirming that MacDowell had in fact noticed it was raining. The spokesperson complained that MacDowell has been in other films and done quite a bit of telly as well, actually.

Photo by Dave Hoefler on Unsplash

First published 23 Oct 2023

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Water kerfuffle - shark unmoved in canal rescue attempt

daveha

Oct 6

A 3.5m shark has been trapped in a canal in Busan, South Korea for two weeks.

It has become a local celebrity, attracting more than 600,000 onlookers.

Rescuers attempted to guide it back to the sea using water jets, but the shark swam away, remaining in the canal.

‘We really don’t know what we were thinking,’ admitted officials responsible for the ineffective squirting.

‘None of us really believed in the ridiculous idea and we all knew that no good was ever going to come from mixing sharks and jets - just look what happened in West Side Story.’

Image credit: ChatGPT

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Entire pod of 55 Conservative MPs dies after mass stranding on beach

mcdabble

Jul 18

An entire pod of 55 Conservative MPs has died after a mass stranding on a western beach. Only 15 were alive after they washed onto a beach at South Torrie on the Isle of Lobbyist at about 07:00 on Sunday morning.

Marine charity British Diverse Life Rescue (BDLR) attempted to refloat one of the more active MPs but he was then re-stranded. The decision was taken to end the careers of the remaining MPs on welfare grounds. Lobbyist Isles Council has asked people to avoid the area as a clean-up operation began.

The BDLR released an update on Sunday evening which said that one of the defunct MPs appeared to have had a scandal. This led them to suspect that the whole pod stranded due to one MP giving a press conference.

Conservative MPs are known for their strong social bonds, so often when one gets into difficulty and strands, the rest follow.

A further three MPs then resigned leaving 12 still active - eight males and four females. A statement said: 'At about 15:30, the local GP along with the Coastguard, Fire and Rescue, and a forensics doctor came to the conclusion that the shallow beach and rough wave conditions made it too unsafe to refloat the remaining politicians' careers.

'Considering how long the MPs had been out of the media in addition to the poor conditions, it was decided that their careers should be culled on welfare grounds.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/pexels-2286921/