French politicians have slammed rioting school kids for blockading roads without the use of tractors. A government spokesperson complained that the children didn't understand "proper protocol", and that they will gladly listen to the protesters' demands, providing they first don yellow vests and grill some sheep on the barricades.
Meanwhile, citing a "total lack of respect for French traditions", commentators from the right wing Front National have condemned the rioters for being "far too young", and for burning e-scooters instead of barrels of oil.
"They say they want more lessons and more teachers" said one baffled minister. "Don't they understand that strikes are about working less? Sacré bleu-blanc-rouge!"
"Plus they're causing even more damage to school buildings. Can't they just smash up an American fast food place like normal? McDonald's has more money for repairs than we do."
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Police battling neo-Nazis in balaclavas in Portsmouth and Dover have been pulled off the job to break up riots in abbey ruins and antique shops from Harrogate to St Austells, all of which have been sparked by the new tourist tax on overnight stays.
'I signed up for a three-week tour of England's historic castles,' said Ingrid from Sweden, hurling a brick through the windows of a Visit Britain branch in Kenilworth. 'Then they put a 5% levy on my hotel bill and I'm having to sleep on the streets for the last week of my holiday.'
'They say they'll cap the tourist tax at 5%,' said Kamikaze Hirohito from Nagasaki, up-ending tables in the Polly Tearooms in Marlborough. 'But I bet it'll be just like student tuition fees. They'll hike and hike the rate until we're thousands of quid in debt and having to spend the rest of our lives paying it off.'
In Canterbury, Winchester and Durham, militants from the Tourists Revolutionary Party hurled souvenir fridge magnets and packets of shortbread at police lines. Government ministers are in talks with tour leaders to try and persuade them to appeal for calm.
Image: Chbec - Pixabay