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"See how much better it was under Tories?", insists liar


As the U.K saw sustained rioting and extremist violence over the weekend, mentally underpowered political pundits have sought to erroneously remind the nation how much better things were under the previous government with one quoted as saying "Sure, almost every metric for measuring quality of life saw a significant drop under Tory rule, but at least there wasn't rioting!"



In response, John Forshaw, along with almost everyone else who could mentally form accurate memories, advised "If you ignore the many riots that took place during Conservative's tenure, they raise a good point." 



Forshaw continued "If you use you hippocampus, you might also recall 14 years of near constant crotch-ups, humiliations both national and international along with a denseness of stupidity so over-whelming it almost caused the nation to collapse in on itself like like a black hole, albeit a black hole that couldn't be trusted with money."



Forshaw added "Obviously the current sustained campaign of fear and intimidation is not ideal, but if we just treat the rioters like 6 year olds they'll punch themselves out, eventually."



"Then like any crabby six year old, they go on the naughty step, which in this analogy is one of His Majesty's high security prisons."



Forshaw added "Then we can get back to Labour's relentlessly underwhelming leadership as opposed to the Tory's outright malicious rule."


Spending holiday time in Britain rioting in another town is called 'affraycation'


No one in Britain ever really said vacation, but somehow someone decided that a staycation was a thing. That person should be put on a permanent wallyday. Luckily, some splendidly clever chaps have come up with a new way to spend your summer downtime and it's called affraycation.



You pile into a van with your mates, go somewhere nice like Sunderland, throw some bricks at coppers, smack a few British people who look different to you, and the lovely police service will give you a free room for the night. AirBNP.



'I'm not being racist, but if anyone says hollybobs, you can lamp 'em in the hijab,' said a racist.



A leading tour operator named after someone called Timmy or something has cornered the market and is now offering shittybreaks. And R&R now stands for Rage and Rioting.




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