Tories' cunning plan

The Tories, who are absolutely definitely not in the slightest spooked by the thought of being totally exterminated in the forthcoming General Election, are planning to appoint Paula Vennells as an emergency substitute chief of the Electoral Commission, just to make sure that everything proceeds as they think it should, and to eliminate any possible risk of anyone trying to fiddle the results or come up with a result they don't want the wrong result.

There was slight confusion as Paula Vennells denied knowing anything about this. 

'She has no idea what the electoral commission is or what it does' said a spokesperson as Vennells settled down behind her new desk in the office of the head of the Electoral Commission and placed an order for a new computer system from Fujitsu. 

'She doesn’t remember coming here this morning or what she is supposed to be doing. But she does want to know when she will get her £4.5M pay?'

To clear up the confusion, Fujitsu were contacted, and a spokesperson explained: 'Yes, our job is to ensure we get the right result.  Nothing can possibly go wrong. See?  Look - we control the results remotely from here.  If any returning officers accidentally announce the wrong result, we will inform the electoral commission who, we will insist, will bundle them off to jail,  And also raise a bit more cash on the side by declaring that every candidate except the highest bidder has lost their deposit.'

'And as for postal votes?  Er, just don't go there.  Not if you know what's good for you.'

Image: Pixabay/Clkr-Free-Vector-Images

Sunak admits he only made speech in pouring rain 'for a bet'

.

Sunak: "Ooh, that's a good idea" after calls for candidate suspension

After Sir Ed Davey and Sir Keir Starmer called for the suspension of Laura Saunders because of the betting scandal, the prime minister Rishi Sunak has surprised political commentators by enthusiastically agreeing.

"I suppose that's why they're knighted and I'm not.", said Mr Sunak, "I'd have never have thought of that - my first instinct was to promote them. But to effectively sack incompetent people - that's mind-blowing, if only someone had suggested that last year it would have saved a lot of problems."

When asked if had any more plans to announce, Mr Sunak replied that he was waiting to see what the forecasts were in the papers to "see if they've got any bright ideas."

Image: Pixabay/