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Vet decides to put Rishi out of his misery


Having taken one look at the Prime Minister's election campaign, the decision was made to end his suffering and the suffering of the voting public. Said the vet: 'Clearly, he's been run over by his own campaign bus and then mauled by a pack of hungry journalists. You can see in his eyes he's given up. It's a kindness to put him sleep, by sending him to the Lords.'


We can all remember Rishi in younger days, when he used chase his own tail and lick Boris Johnson's balls. He liked nothing more than to race after a culture war and follow it down a internet rabbit hole. But that wet-nosed MP is no more and all we have is mangy old mutt, with only his Ministers to bag up the $hit he leaves behind.


The vet explained: 'As you can see, his policies are all festering, his strategy reeks and his core support is just about to drop off. His quality of life in the last weeks of the campaign, is just going to painful and embarrassing. He deserves a dignified exit, something in keeping with his term as Prime Minister – so I suggest we fire him out of a confetti canon, straight into the White Cliffs of Dover.'



First published 12 June 2024



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Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals


Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.



‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’



Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.



Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.



Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.



Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.



First published 27 May 2023



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Cost of living crisis solved with one quick trip to Las Vegas



Under a new scheme, the Chancellor will invest the nation’s wealth on the Nevada craps tables. UK bill payers will be guaranteed a regular income from slot machines, provided the Chancellor remembers to wear his lucky pants.


The Treasury confirmed: ‘We’ve been criminally underfunding the NHS for decades, so what could be more appropriate than a game of Baccarat supervised by the Mafia. Those struggling to pay the rent will experience the adrenaline of holding twelve in Blackjack and the chance to see David Copperfield fly.


'Pensioners won’t have to worry about the winter fuel allowance, as they’ll be too busy trying to master Caribbean stud poker while suffering from the early onset of Alzheimer’s.’



First published 19 May 2022



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