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In a desperate attempt to avoid having to confirm either Zippy or Bungle as Britain’s next PM, the Queen has launched a spirited game of hide, seek and off with their heads. Initially thought to have fled to Balmoral and barricaded the doors with Chippendale armoires and garlic, this ‘Queen’ is now believed to be a decoy, constructed from an ermine shellsuit stuffed with locally-hunted haggis, and a wig of offcuts from Princess Anne’s mane.
‘The big regret of Her Majesty’s reign was being caught by Boris Johnson in the 2019 season finale of Channel 4’s ‘Hunted’,’ advised a Palace official. ‘Thinking she’d be safe in the Royal kitchen’s walk-in dormouse charcuterie fridge, she is determined to guard against similar rookie mistakes.’
With the whereabouts of the real Queen currently unknown, unconfirmed sightings include Loch Ness, Daniel Craig’s sock drawer, and the moral high ground. Pizza Express Woking’s open invitation has so far not been taken up.
Official advice for any member of the public happening across a small, determined headscarf-clad great grandmother digging pit-traps around Conservative Party Headquarters and muttering about Cromwell, is to: ‘reverse away slowly, never turning your back, or you’ll discover why that’s Royal protocol’.
Hat-Tip Apepper
With the announcement of a new PM on Monday Royal Mail are introducing a “first day issue” stamp .The front will be an hologram depicting one of the two contenders, depending on which angle you look at it from.
The real novelty of this stamp will be in the experience of sticking it on the envelope.
During the development period last week one tester commented, while licking the stamp, “it tastes like sh*t, like licking someone’s ar*e.” Exactly how it’s intended to be, to remind us of how the new Cabinet will be formed.
Avid writers will be able to purchase at a discount of 10% per kilo (the weight of their job application letters).
The public might be less enthusiastic as they will be be looking confused and asking “on which side do we spit on?”.
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