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MI5 have flagged a serious security threat from bogus roadmenders.


The service has noted over a dozen incidents where roadworks were carried out, but were not authorised by the local council, and were not traceable to a recognised utility company. The roadmenders vans often bear the names of genuine companies and claims to be working as subcontractors for legitimate companies, or for Thames Water. The signage, the traffic cones, and the complete absence of any work happening, make the bogus roadworks look very convincing.


In one case, strategically placed roadworks - and horrendous queues of traffic - were used to prevent the police from getting to a bank raid in time, and to allow the robbers to escape


MI5 believes that hostile actors, and roadmenders, may be interfering with Britain's utilities, installing devices that slow down broadband, syphon off electricity or clog up sewage systems. And they also use badly sequenced temporary traffic lights to mess up the transport system, with the aim of crippling the economy.


A spokesman said, 'It can be hard to tell bogus roadworks from the real thing. The telltale signs are slow broadband, potholes, sewage overflows, power cuts, poorly mended roads, and the smell of gas. Of course, sometimes these issues are the result of genuine incompetence, but we would encourage people to always call 999, just in case.'


image from pixabay




The Government’s Head of Motorway Safety, Wile E. Coyote, has announced further safety measures for smart motorways.


‘Removing the hard shoulder has been helpful but some are still getting through,’ he told journalists. ‘So the next step will be a series of grand pianos suspended precariously over the fast lane. We have done extensive testing – mostly in canyons in Arizona – and grand pianos are almost ideal for the job’.


Other planned safety features have been tested but found to be inappropriate for the British climate. ‘In the Sonoran desert you can use quite a long fuse on a stick of dynamite but British rain means you would need a dangerously short fuse, so we rejected that,’ said Mr Coyote.


‘Trompe L’oeil paintings to conceal cliff edges work well in Arizona but Britain lacks the necessary topography. Still, removing the hard shoulder has proved to be fairly f*cking lethal – sorry, I meant safety-enhancing – so we’re making good progress.’


Photo by Chris Bair on Unsplash


First published 2 July 2024



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