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Great Train Robbery 'Just an honest mistake'


A Public Enquiry into The Great Train Robbery has concluded that Ronnie Biggs and his friends 'inadvertently' took bags filled with cash believing them to be their own suitcases.


Britain’s Special Envoy to Colombia, Michael Gove, welcomed the exoneration. 'People are so quick to point the finger but these were just some innocent commuters who accidentally found themselves with vast quantities of loot. Well, I say vast – that was years ago, seems like a drop in the ocean nowadays'.


In other news police aren’t searching for a missing £10 billion or the people who took it, despite the fact there is a VIP lane leading all the way to their bank accounts. One detective said 'Like old fashioned bank robbers, they wore masks. Low quality PPE to be exact.'




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I chose not to consult householder and will pay 1% proceeds in compensation, says burglar




A burglar in Hull has admitted that he broke the law when robbing a local household, and now thinks that he can sail away with it if he offers his victims a small fraction of the loot back, it has emerged.


"I hold my hands up" said Peter Pebbledash, when police pointed a gun at him, "I chose not to consult the householders beforehand, as there is no way they would have agreed to me entering their home, ripping their TV off the wall, and making off with it plus sundry items of jewellery and the kids' Playstations. What else could I have done?"


"But in recognition of the fact that my actions were undoubtedly illegal, I am happy to comply fully with the legal penalties for my actions, by which I mean give them the £50 I got their DVD collection."


Mr Pebbledash, who police suspect is also responsible for similar offences in Southampton and Liverpool, was then heard protesting loudly and making waves. "My citizenship is registered in Bermuda, you can't arrest me in the UK" as he was led off to cells pending formal charging.




First published 25 Mar 2022


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Louvre gang aims for first sub-four-minute robbery


The four-man gang who carried out the daring daylight raid on the Louvre say that, although the seven-minutes it took is a personal best, they are now aiming to shave at least one, two or even three minutes from their next job.


Gang member Gaston Leroi, not his real name, posted on social media: 'The sub-four-minute heist has long been the goal of museum and gallery thieves, ever since Roger Bannister broke the four-minute barrier in Oxford in 1954 with three stolen textbooks from Blackwell’s stuffed down his shorts.'


Police believe the thieves are likely to have retreated to their training ground deep in the French countryside, and are asking farmers to keep an eye on any outbuildings. The gang has said they are happy to undergo a drugs test to prove they did not use any performance enhancing substances during the Louvre raid. 'Thieves who do that are cheating,' Leroi added. 'It’s dishonest.'


Meanwhile, the truck that carried the mechanical ladder has received a €100 parking ticket and there is continuing disagreement over who will pay. The museum has scribbled ‘Sarkozy to cover’ on a note underneath one of the wipers.



Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0




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