NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a combination of AI and robotics.
According to leaked conversations from the Tory WhatsApp Group, AIRFOIL (believed to stand for - Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Forum On Incompatible Lifeforms), a major problem has been identified with attempting to identify sufficient numbers of on-message, non-bullying, non-harassing and non-drunk human candidates.
“It’s becoming a major problem and the tech’s not quite there to replace them”, said one post. “There is, of course, a short-term option of contracting out to an outsourcer such as Group 4. This would be expensive but at least when MPs speak out of turn or are involved in a scandal, there would be agreed compensation payments.”
However, a more recent post on the Group by AIRFOIL “Scientific Advisor”, Grant Moore-Money, examined the testing further - “Sure, current tests show problems such as limited eye contact, fixed expressions, being vulnerable to jerky movements and repeating wild unsubstantiated stuff from the internet. But that’s exactly the reason why we need to replace them with AI and robotics, asap.”
First published 21 Oct 2023
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A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month.
Residents in an exclusive residential area in Virginia Water, Surrey, seem to have been targeted by a knowledgeable and highly specialised hacker, dubbed the ‘Pied Piper’.
Araminta, 21, said, ‘Mummy noticed that the lawn wasn’t tidy, which was odd, because our robot lawnmower normally does a good job. When we looked for it, we couldn’t find it. We thought it had got lost, or got stuck somewhere, even though it controlled by GPS and can text us if it needs help. Our butler sent the servants out to find it, but no luck. We’ve had to borrow a flock of sheep from one of our neighbours. They do a good job, but they do leave a lot of little presents behind.’
Next door neighbours Arabella and Annabella said their robot lawnmower had also gone missing in similar circumstances. In fact, they had lost three. They bought two replacements before realising that something was wrong. The third lawnmower had a tracking device which, after that too went missing, last pinged in Vladivostok.
Neighbourhood watch wardens Anastasia and Amelia confirmed that over one hundred mowers had gone missing. The thief has avoided all CCTV cameras, and there are no witnesses to any of the crimes. ‘We suspect Russian hackers,’ said Anastasia. ‘We’ve told our private security firm, and they are on the case. The best advice for now is to change your password on your mower, or to have a member of staff follow it around when it's working, or put it on a long leash. Or you could attach a Poundland logo to it, which will make it unsaleable.’
A police spokesman confirmed that the force took property theft very seriously and that they were prioritising the robot lawnmower issue. A missing lawnmower had recently been involved in an RTC on the A25 – clipping a Volkswagen - and it’s believed that the machine was on its way to meet the hacker. A specialised team has been set up, and the local paper has decided to call them the Flymo Squad.
The police have also called in a psychological profiler, a clairvoyant, a former actor and an old lady that does puzzles, to help with the case. They believe that the lawnmowers are being trafficked to Russia, where advanced technology is hard to get hold off. They believe that the Russians are either using them to clip their lawns, or that they are using the lawnmower chips to upgrade their missile systems.
The profiler has advised the police to look out for a well-educated and tech-savvy young male who may have OCD, likes being outdoors, prefers stripey tops, and may have claustrophobia. He is probably obsessed with Robot Wars, and his offending behaviour may be the result of an addiction to grass.