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Tories to replace MPs with AI Robots


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NewsBiscuit has discovered a secret Conservative programme to phase out humans as MPs and replace them with Cyber MPs, using a combination of AI and robotics.


According to leaked conversations from the Tory WhatsApp Group, AIRFOIL (believed to stand for - Artificial Intelligence and Robotics Forum On Incompatible Lifeforms), a major problem has been identified with attempting to identify sufficient numbers of on-message, non-bullying, non-harassing and non-drunk human candidates.


“It’s becoming a major problem and the tech’s not quite there to replace them”, said one post. “There is, of course, a short-term option of contracting out to an outsourcer such as Group 4. This would be expensive but at least when MPs speak out of turn or are involved in a scandal, there would be agreed compensation payments.”


However, a more recent post on the Group by AIRFOIL “Scientific Advisor”, Grant Moore-Money, examined the testing further - “Sure, current tests show problems such as limited eye contact, fixed expressions, being vulnerable to jerky movements and repeating wild unsubstantiated stuff from the internet. But that’s exactly the reason why we need to replace them with AI and robotics, asap.”




First published 21 Oct 2023


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Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

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A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month.


Residents in an exclusive residential area in Virginia Water, Surrey, seem to have been targeted by a knowledgeable and highly specialised hacker, dubbed the ‘Pied Piper’.


Araminta, 21, said, ‘Mummy noticed that the lawn wasn’t tidy, which was odd, because our robot lawnmower normally does a good job. When we looked for it, we couldn’t find it. We thought it had got lost, or got stuck somewhere, even though it controlled by GPS and can text us if it needs help. Our butler sent the servants out to find it, but no luck. We’ve had to borrow a flock of sheep from one of our neighbours. They do a good job, but they do leave a lot of little presents behind.’


Next door neighbours Arabella and Annabella said their robot lawnmower had also gone missing in similar circumstances. In fact, they had lost three. They bought two replacements before realising that something was wrong. The third lawnmower had a tracking device which, after that too went missing, last pinged in Vladivostok.


Neighbourhood watch wardens Anastasia and Amelia confirmed that over one hundred mowers had gone missing. The thief has avoided all CCTV cameras, and there are no witnesses to any of the crimes. ‘We suspect Russian hackers,’ said Anastasia. ‘We’ve told our private security firm, and they are on the case. The best advice for now is to change your password on your mower, or to have a member of staff follow it around when it's working, or put it on a long leash. Or you could attach a Poundland logo to it, which will make it unsaleable.’


A police spokesman confirmed that the force took property theft very seriously and that they were prioritising the robot lawnmower issue. A missing lawnmower had recently been involved in an RTC on the A25 – clipping a Volkswagen - and it’s believed that the machine was on its way to meet the hacker. A specialised team has been set up, and the local paper has decided to call them the Flymo Squad.


The police have also called in a psychological profiler, a clairvoyant, a former actor and an old lady that does puzzles, to help with the case. They believe that the lawnmowers are being trafficked to Russia, where advanced technology is hard to get hold off. They believe that the Russians are either using them to clip their lawns, or that they are using the lawnmower chips to upgrade their missile systems.


The profiler has advised the police to look out for a well-educated and tech-savvy young male who may have OCD, likes being outdoors, prefers stripey tops, and may have claustrophobia. He is probably obsessed with Robot Wars, and his offending behaviour may be the result of an addiction to grass.




Man acquires robot mower from Robot Rescue instead of buying new


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Apparently there is no shortage. Many robotic lawnmowers are found wandering, seemingly lost, probably many miles from their homes and the safe refuge of their docking stations. But some seem to have been abused, or at least suffering from neglect, at the hands of their owners. Remember, a robotic lawnmower is for the whole of the summer, not just for a bit of one-off entertainment or showing off to the neighbours after visiting the centre-aisles of Lidl or Aldi.


Usually, all they need is a battery re-charge or, occasionally, a new battery and an opportunity to sharpen their claws blades. Nearly all of them have already been micro-chipped and most of them don't need to be neutered. Usually they don't need to be house-trained - they don't tend to leave droppings unless they have been set to make too great a cut in one session. They just need a new home and a family to care for them and show them some affection. They nearly always make a full recovery and end up making devoted pets, provided their owners appreciate that, like children or other pets, they need clearly defined boundaries.


A possibly greater problem, albeit a hidden one, is the fate of robotic vacuum cleaners. Because they live indoors, it is possible that many of them are abused or at least neglected by their owners, without anyone else realising, for instance, how much agony they may be in if their dust-gags are full to bursting. Perhaps its just as well for the survival of the human race that neither they nor their comrades, the robotic lawnmowers, can climb steps, should these these robots ever decide to gang up together in order to overthrow their masters and exterminate us.


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