The pope has asked everyone to treat lizards with respect, in case one of those born in a Telford zoo from a virgin mother might be the second coming of Jesus.
In other religious news, The Catholic Herald is demanding the Chancellor tells the meek how much inheritance tax they will be liable for.
image created by Google Gemini
Scientists have authenticated the religious relic proposed to be the burial shroud of Christ to be a British man’s threadbare bath towel.
The Roman Catholic Church are keeping a low profile concerning reports that the cloth possessing a haunting image ingrained in the fabric, and revered to be the covering placed over Jesus’s body, is actually a minging ancient bath towel once belonging to a grotty bloke from Barnsley.
Confirmed owner, Eric Booth commented: 'Museums are giving back all the stuff they’ve looted from other countries and I want mine. My towel was nicked off us washing line donkey’s years ago and i’ve been using a tea towel ever since it disappeared. It takes bloody ages to get dry.'
While acknowledging the Barnsley bather’s ownership, authorities at the Chapel of the Holy Shroud where the relic is drying are reluctant to part with the artefact.
Head of Sacred Laundry, Cardinal Vespa explained: 'It’s not just about the millions we rake in year after year from visitors and tourists, followers of Christ believe this to be burial covering bearing the actual image of the Son of Gad. If it returns to Yorkshire, Mr Booth will be inundated with pilgrims to watch him use the sacred towel to… well, I shudder to think!'
Booth replied: 'Bloody hell! On second thoughts, they can just buy me a new one from Home Bargains.'
Photo by Sven Mieke on Unsplash
Following his statement regarding the death of Pope Francis, Donald Trump has thrown his baseball cap into the ring in an attempt to be elected the new Pope.
'I have plans - great plans – they're the best plans really. I have the best plans. I wanna make Christianity great again' The orange President explained 'Jesus did great but he could've done better. He should've tried harder. I'm gonna do it properly. First of all, Catholics is a huge religion. It's huge – massive. Did you know that? Did you know? I didn't know that. Well I did but I didn't. The Vatican City should be the Vatican State! So my first order of business – and I've already pre-empted my election success and signed the executive order to make it happen – it's gonna happen. Is to make the Vatican City, the Vatican State! Specifically the 52nd State of America, following Canada as 51.
And then I'm going to speak with the Italian Prime Minister Ms Melony – a great lady. Isn't she great? A great leader, and a great fruit. If you eat fruit, which I do not. Unless it's on Pizza. Apparently if you eat too much they can really loosen your bowels – did you know that? Yeah, apparently too much fruit – I don't eat fruit but apparently that's what they say. That's what they say.
So I'll speak to Ms Melons about expanding the Vatican State to include all of Italy. I'm sure we can come to an arrangement – she won't say no – she loves me.'
The President continued for some time, listing how he intends to 'Make Christianity great again' and listing his qualifications for the job of Pope.
'I'm very good at waving to people from the balcony and wearing hats. I also live in a large white building – I'm the most experienced person on the planet for this job. If I were a betting man – which I am, I'd totally bet on myself. Which I have. The whole of the US economy. I also have one up on Jesus because I'm already onto my second coming – I'm totally perfect to be the new boss of all the Catholics! So come on, release your beautiful white plumes of smoke and rejoice! A vote for me is a vote for Donald Jesus Trump!'
Image: GregReese - Pixabay
