Shroud of Turin confirmed to be British man’s bath towel

Scientists have authenticated the religious relic proposed to be the burial shroud of Christ to be a British man’s threadbare bath towel.

The Roman Catholic Church are keeping a low profile concerning reports that the cloth possessing a haunting image ingrained in the fabric, and revered to be the covering placed over Jesus’s body, is actually a minging ancient bath towel once belonging to a grotty bloke from Barnsley.

Confirmed owner, Eric Booth commented: 'Museums are giving back all the stuff they’ve looted from other countries and I want mine. My towel was nicked off us washing line donkey’s years ago and i’ve been using a tea towel ever since it disappeared. It takes bloody ages to get dry.'

While acknowledging the Barnsley bather’s ownership, authorities at the Chapel of the Holy Shroud where the relic is drying are reluctant to part with the artefact.

Head of Sacred Laundry, Cardinal Vespa explained: 'It’s not just about the millions we rake in year after year from visitors and tourists, followers of Christ believe this to be burial covering bearing the actual image of the Son of Gad. If it returns to Yorkshire, Mr Booth will be inundated with pilgrims to watch him use the sacred towel to… well, I shudder to think!'

Booth replied: 'Bloody hell! On second thoughts, they can just buy me a new one from Home Bargains.'

Photo by Sven Mieke on Unsplash