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Shroud of Turin confirmed to be British man’s bath towel


Scientists have authenticated the religious relic proposed to be the burial shroud of Christ to be a British man’s threadbare bath towel.


The Roman Catholic Church are keeping a low profile concerning reports that the cloth possessing a haunting image ingrained in the fabric, and revered to be the covering placed over Jesus’s body, is actually a minging ancient bath towel once belonging to a grotty bloke from Barnsley.


Confirmed owner, Eric Booth commented: 'Museums are giving back all the stuff they’ve looted from other countries and I want mine. My towel was nicked off us washing line donkey’s years ago and i’ve been using a tea towel ever since it disappeared. It takes bloody ages to get dry.'


While acknowledging the Barnsley bather’s ownership, authorities at the Chapel of the Holy Shroud where the relic is drying are reluctant to part with the artefact.


Head of Sacred Laundry, Cardinal Vespa explained: 'It’s not just about the millions we rake in year after year from visitors and tourists, followers of Christ believe this to be burial covering bearing the actual image of the Son of Gad. If it returns to Yorkshire, Mr Booth will be inundated with pilgrims to watch him use the sacred towel to… well, I shudder to think!'


Booth replied: 'Bloody hell! On second thoughts, they can just buy me a new one from Home Bargains.'


Photo by Sven Mieke on Unsplash

Face in Turin Shroud "undoubtedly Margaret Thatcher", insist her disciplines

New evidence has emerged that the image of a face on the controversial Turin Shroud could really be that of Margaret Thatcher - a deranged prophet who Tories across Britain consider to be the nation's saviour.


"Scientists in Italy have used X-ray technology to determine the shroud's age and say it dates back to the time of Christ, but we say that's sacrilege," said a journalist for the Conservative Herald, the in-house magazine of the Church of Thatch.


"I had a dream the other night in which the apostle Kemi Bad-Enoch testified to me that the shroud is actually a linen tea towel purchased in Grantham in the Dark Ages (i.e. the 1930s) and that the Conservative cabinet wrapped Margaret's remains in it after crucifying her in 1990."


Margaret Thatcher roamed the UK in the late 1970s and the 1980s preaching the words of her father, Alderman Roberts, who she considered to be divine - until everyone got heartily sick of her and exiled her to the Ritz.


"This sacred relic ended up in Turin because it was bought by the fanatical conservative Silvio Berlusconi from a stall in Portobello Market," continued the journalist, "along with a hickory-shafted mashie niblick belonging to Denis of Arimathea and a small corsair parrot which started shrieking 'Rejoice! Rejoice!' at the start of the Falklands War and never shut up." 





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