From NB archives: Ancient Rome

Severe criticism of social services as Romulus and Remus placed in foster care of she-wolf.

Defence Secretary resigns after he admits god of war was named after chocolate bar.

'Momentous historic event' predicted as Caesar spotted calling office of Rubicon Ferry Services.

Remembrance Day for Punic Wars; hundreds of Hannibal's elephants show up.

'That stab vest makes you look fat,' Brutus tells Caesar, as he plots Ides of March hit.

Emperor Tiberius moves to quiet retirement community on Capri that offers 'underage boys and relaxing atmosphere of decadence and depravity.'

Claudius appoints horse to Senate, makes outgoing senator run in Grand National.

Rome burns; Nero fiddles fire insurance claim, and uses the proceeds to open a coffee shop.

Goths invade Roman Empire to seize valuable deposits of black hair dye and blue lipstick.

Picture credit: Wix AI

City of York to rebrand

The city of York is to be renamed, to avoid it being associated with disreputable ne’er-do-wells

With the main culprit being the sweatless Duke of 'York', the city is fed up of hearing its name in the news due to worthless people being rubbish. Even Andrew’s Chinese 'not a spy business associate' was said to have gone to The University of 'York'. The Archbishop of 'York' has faced accusations of failing to handle abuse cases, not great publicity as he is meant to be covering for the top Bishop who is checks notes ……faced accusations of failing to handle abuse cases.

'The City will now be known as Jórvík, as the Vikings named it' proclaimed a City spokesperson, fully regaled in Viking armour and with a historically accurate hornless helmet. Hoping it just means a few road sign changes and some nice new stationary, the new Jórvík council have embarked upon a rebranding campaign with a Scandi vibe of calmness and reasonably priced furniture.

The city had considered “New New York”, but it felt weird and lazy.

However, due to concerns about historic raping and pillaging allegations dating from 850AD, the city is now planning on using the Roman name Eboracum instead. A fine name, probably the one good thing the Romans did.

Writing credit hat-tip: granger

Picture credit: Wix AI

Trumpus Caesar rides his favourite Senator to the Capitol