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Memorial expected to get Royal approval

With the Government seeking ideas and designs for a lasting memorial to the late Queen Elizabeth 11, one application seems to have caused a lot of excitement. The design from a yet unknown source but with a London SW1 post mark seems to borrow from history and could actually be considered a shrine as well as a memorial.


Anxious that worshippers should get as good a view as possible and to create a fund to keep the shrine in good order, a charge will be made to view the memorial, the more the pilgrim pays, the closer they can actually get to it.


In addition to a statue of the queen mounted on her favourite Corgi, set 10 feet below pavement level, in order for grovellers to bow to their late sovereign, there will also be gift shops, the proceeds together with all entry fees , would be donated to the late queen’s family as a sign of respect.


It is understood that the full cost of building and running the memorial will of course be met by the British taxpayer, according to a glorious British Royal tradition which dates back a thousand years, it is not considered seemly to ask the King to actually pay for anything.




Assisted Suicide to be combined with Epstein Witness List

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A Minister explained that this was a clear cost saving: 'Rather than an expensive termination, we will outsource the work to the security services. They've an established track record of providing quick and painless deaths – look what they did to the BBC's reputation.'


He allayed concerns that the NHS would be replaced by an American provider such as the CIA, insisting the whole operation would be British – a cross between James Bond and Harold Shipman. 'It also injects a sense of surprise to your ending. You might be dying of cancer, but MI5 could make it look like a mysterious car accident or that you were bitten by a exotic snake. You'll get an untraceable death and beforehand you'll get to sleep with a Royal of your choice. What's not to like?'


While there is a waiting list for the new service, he said patients could get fast-tracked: 'Just by hinting that Bill Gates had grabbed their boob.'


Royal critic commits suicide by shooting himself in back twelve times

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It has been reported that Virgil Griffin, a noted critic of the UK monarchy and who was believed to have damaging information on a senior Royal, has suddenly but possibly not unexpectedly committed suicide by shooting himself in the back a dozen times.


Griffin made headlines a few weeks ago when he announced he had information on an unnamed senior member of the Royal family which he claimed would 'shock the foundation of this country to the core'. The Royals denied that Griffin, who they called 'delusional and may likely do harm to himself some day', could possibly have any kind of dirt on them. Even though, they refused to sue him out of principal before offering to give him several million pounds purely as a 'token courtesy gesture'.


A police spokesman has stated that 'following an extensive two-hour investigation we can conclude that Mr Griffin absolutely and definitely killed himself by taking out a handgun and shooting himself in the back twelve times. We did consider the possibility of misadventure as Griffin was extremely accident prone, as just before killing himself Griffin broke his own leg, gave himself two black eyes, knocked out several of his teeth and he'd also somehow stamped on his own fingers. Anyway, this is clearly an open-and-shut case so we need to just move on.'


The police have also urged people to ignore recent social media posts by Mr Griffin in which he claimed:


'They're out to get me!'

'I think I'm being followed'

'If something happens to me, check the hard drive of my computer'

'I have absolutely no intention of committing suicide, that's something I can guarantee'


'Clearly the ramblings of a severely paranoid man, best we brush these aside' claimed the police spokesman when asked about this, before quickly adding that Mr Griffin had also accidentally smashed up and burnt his computer as well.


When contacted a Royal aide said they were extremely sorry to hear about Griffin's suicide, while insisting the sounds of a celebration in the background were from next door, honestly.


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