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NewsBiscuit - Best of June 2024


June 2024


In June 2024, the General Election campaign in the UK was all-consuming and there was no escape. The Tories continued to announce new policies that they could have enacted in office, but hadn’t bothered to. Labour continued to say as little as possible. Migrants arriving in small boats continued to be a big political issue. The government did successfully get rid of one unwanted migrant, however, as the infamous freeloader Julian Assange finally returned to Australia.


The stories we posted in June 2024 seemed to presage the election result. There was a lot of poking fun at the Conservatives, with a side order of incredulity about Reform, and a degree of tolerance for Ed Davey’s cunning stunts.


With hindsight, it seems impossible that the Conservatives could have survived such a satirical onslaught. And so it proved to be. We’re taking all the credit.


Almost all other news was squeezed out. But there is always room for a royal story, and Princess Anne provided some light relief by getting kicked in the head by a horse. We assume it was a horse. She can’t remember. It can’t have been Andrew, because he was getting a pizza. And Sir Ian McKellen engaged in some ill-advised crowd-surfing after falling off the stage at the RSC.


Here is a selection of the top stories from June 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


General Election Stories


The Not-The-Election Stories


Selected headlines from June 2024

Bingo callers introduce "Gamblers' Den" for number 10

Baby delivered in car came with free coke and garlic bread

Tories walking slowly investigated by Ambling Commission

Chip van commemorates D-Day with a frypast

Ed Davey completes tour of all Britain's theme parks

Julian Assange disappointed at missing out on Rwanda

Rishi: Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion

Tory manifesto launched on the side of a driverless bus

Ventilation expert disappointed by Onlyfans website  

Princess Anne in a stable condition

MP having buttock reduction surgery afraid he might lose his seat

Fire brigade called to massive blaze in Rishi Sunak's pants drawer

Sir Ian McKellen to star in stage adaptation of 'The Fall Guy'

Man who had a large mole removed from nose says 'the worst thing was those front claws'



Image credit: deep dream generator


Memorial expected to get Royal approval

With the Government seeking ideas and designs for a lasting memorial to the late Queen Elizabeth 11, one application seems to have caused a lot of excitement. The design from a yet unknown source but with a London SW1 post mark seems to borrow from history and could actually be considered a shrine as well as a memorial.


Anxious that worshippers should get as good a view as possible and to create a fund to keep the shrine in good order, a charge will be made to view the memorial, the more the pilgrim pays, the closer they can actually get to it.


In addition to a statue of the queen mounted on her favourite Corgi, set 10 feet below pavement level, in order for grovellers to bow to their late sovereign, there will also be gift shops, the proceeds together with all entry fees , would be donated to the late queen’s family as a sign of respect.


It is understood that the full cost of building and running the memorial will of course be met by the British taxpayer, according to a glorious British Royal tradition which dates back a thousand years, it is not considered seemly to ask the King to actually pay for anything.




Assisted Suicide to be combined with Epstein Witness List


A Minister explained that this was a clear cost saving: 'Rather than an expensive termination, we will outsource the work to the security services. They've an established track record of providing quick and painless deaths – look what they did to the BBC's reputation.'


He allayed concerns that the NHS would be replaced by an American provider such as the CIA, insisting the whole operation would be British – a cross between James Bond and Harold Shipman. 'It also injects a sense of surprise to your ending. You might be dying of cancer, but MI5 could make it look like a mysterious car accident or that you were bitten by a exotic snake. You'll get an untraceable death and beforehand you'll get to sleep with a Royal of your choice. What's not to like?'


While there is a waiting list for the new service, he said patients could get fast-tracked: 'Just by hinting that Bill Gates had grabbed their boob.'


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