The UK press has joined together in calling for another tragic death of a prominent member of the royal family, in order to boost circulation. This would result in long running storylines, preferably with a sexual dimension. Some writers have gone so far as to call for the brutal murder of a well known relative of Her Majesty, prompting mourning, outrage, suspicion, contempt and wild theories about how this shocking event could happen in the 21st century.
‘A sad but sordid death as a result of a sex game gone tragically wrong would suit us just fine’ said one journalist, anonymously, but probably Piers Morgan. ‘This idea really could have legs, with a secret cover up, then a messily slow leak of the disgusting facts, then illicit photographs and videos changing hands for millions of pounds,’ continued the controversial narcissistic truth-bender. ‘A dash of politics could be added with the bloody thumbprint of a celebrity found by top detectives at the scene. Talking to colleagues about this clever fingering, we’ve agreed the top candidates are Donald Trump, Boris Jonson or the bloke with the beard from Hollyoaks. I bags the headline ‘I’ve Got My Bojo Working.’’
Other suggestions for royal deaths include suicide (that minor royal with a thinning hair problem who keeps his head down would make a great ‘my secret shame’ story). Dangerous driving (Should any Royal be allowed behind the wheel, given their free access to unlimited alcohol?) or freak mauling by Royal domestic or farm animal. A favourite headline circulating among some journalists is ‘Harry trained death-corgi’.
Responding to the idea, a source close to the royals said that the obvious candidate has thought of the idea and already taken precautions, wearing a stab proof vest, employing a food-taster, carrying a concealed weapon, deleting WhatsApp messages and avoiding any kind of pizza.
It’s understood the Palace is adopting the ‘any publicity is good publicity', theory but would not discuss a candidate for what’s already being referred to as ‘this wholly unexpected tragedy, touching the hearts of millions.’
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