Cheating to be acceptable before Open returns to Turnberry

Organisers of the British Open have announced that the golf tournament could take place at Turnberry again only if cheating at golf ceases to be one of the most heinous crimes ever devised.  The Royal and Ancient explained that golf prides itself on its long history of self-policing etiquette and absolute respect for the rules, and those that break them are as socially unacceptable as women were in golf clubs until Gordon Brown interfered.

The statement by the Royal and Ancient follows a recent round played at Turnberry by US President Donald Trump during which the level of sportsmanship expected of all competitors while on the course owned by his family was explicitly demonstrated.  The British Open has not been held at Turnberry since Trump bought the course in 2014, despite him declaring it the best course anywhere in the world for caddies to carry lots of spare balls to drop on the fairways and greens in case his gets lost.  'The players all want to be at Turnberry,' Trump told reporters before his round which he completed without any penalty strokes at all, despite losing 24 balls.  It is understood that there were absolutely no instances at all of Trump kicking his ball into better positions during the round, so none of his playing partners needed to refer to him as 'Pele' this time.

Some members of the media considered Trump apparently cheating at golf was just the latest attempt to distract everyone from the Epstein files.  However, many golfers around the world regarded it as far worse than anything he may have been involved in with his alleged paedophile former best buddy, who he has never met.

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Zeus has a difficult conversation with Poseidon

Stephen King writes “Carrie” sequel, “Meghan”

Horror writer Stephen King has written an unexpected sequel to his 1970s hit “Carrie”.

Entitled “Meghan”, it tells the tale of a needy and vulnerable young woman who finally snaps when pushed beyond her limits.

For most of the book, we’re encouraged to hope things will turn out well for her, as she presents an aspirational lifestyle show about her life in the exclusive California enclave of Montecito, alongside some ginger git who bumbles around in the background looking confused, but in the end just goes along with whatever the hell she’s doing now.

However, the third act climax comes when she reads online reviews and comments, finding the show hasn’t brought her the acceptance she craves, just more mockery and humiliation.

Bewildered and enraged, Meghan rampages through the organic delis and traditional craft markets of Montecito, snapping the pencil-thin necks of anorexic women with whom she was only yesterday sharing recipes for a refreshing and wholesome quinoa salad.

The final scene has her drenched from head to foot in macrobiotic goji berry smoothie, beating ladies who lunch to death with an authentic Shaker-style kitchen chair (very reasonably priced at only US$35,000).

Negotiations over possibly turning the book into a movie were interrupted by Meghan herself, who “just wanted to be proactive” in letting the producers know she’d be available to play herself.

”After all, I’ve gotta find something to do with my time. You think keeping bees and serving mimosas for brunch every day is really that fulfilling?”

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