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'Stop calling me Moscow Donald!" screams Moscow Donald


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'The very next person who calls me Moscow Donald, I'll sue them!' said Donald Trump, speaking from underneath his bearskin hat while sharing a tureen of borsch with Vladimir Putin and Sergei Lavrov.


'I'm not Moscow Donald and I never have been!' growled the quisling, downing vodka shots and reviewing T-72 tanks from the Kremlin walls.


'Just because I have billions of dollars tied up in building contracts in Russia, and they have a pee-pee tape in their vaults featuring me and a load of hookers, is no justification for uttering the words 'Moscow Donald',' insisted the traitor to Western civilisation.


'There, you see?' he said. 'I just said them again. I'll sue myself!' before he wandered off, whistling the Internationale.


Image: WixAI


Updated version of 1984 published in US


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1984, George Orwell's famous study of autocratic tyranny, has long been on the list of books banned from American public schools and libraries.


Its sudden reappearance was therefore met with surprise, until people noticed it wasn't quite the same book they remembered.


'Russia is our ally, Russia has always been our ally,' declares the book in a particularly unexpected passage. 'They support us in our struggle against Canada and Mexico. So it's only right we should help them when Ukraine provocatively attacks Russian soldiers, hundreds of miles inside Ukrainian territory.


'We're not sure whose side Lesotho is on, but then it sounds like a made up country anyway.'


The book goes on to say Russia isn't actually at war, because they choose not to call it that. Moreover freedom is slavery, and ignorance, if not exactly strength, can certainly be helpful in getting elected.


It concludes with a paean of praise to 'Big Orange Brother', the great leader whose infinite wisdom guides a grateful nation to ever greater success and prosperity.


However, it's thought no one will ever read the new version, because all public schools and libraries have now been closed so that Elon Musk can have a slightly larger tax break.


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